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Issue 17
Spring 2009
Helping America procrastinate since 1636
January 28, 2020
 
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 HARVARD SATYRICAL PRESS ARCHIVES FROM THE ARCHIVES
  (198 ARTICLES, RANDOM ORDER)
Medical School Application Timeline
Spring 2006
Holy Shit! Paris Hilton Naked
Fall 2005
Verdana Named Best Font After Brutal Font War With Times New Roman
July 2003
Link is Dead
Spring 2005
John Malkovich Preemptively Installed As Puppet Dictator in Iraq
May 2003
US Redefines 'Offshore Drilling' to Include All Other Continents
Fall 2008
Snorks Found in Snapple, Beverage Company Considers Partial Recall
Fall 2006
Yasser Arafat Spotted in Tulsa Wal-Mart
Fall 2005
Populace Rests Easier Now That Math Problem Solved
Fall 2005
Harvard Yard To Become Parking Lot
Spring 2009
Snoop Dogg vs. Eminem
Fall 2006
Students Take Welcoming Speech to Heart, Stock up on Assault Rifles
Fall 2004
This Just In: Revolution in Canada
Spring 2006
Are Girl Scouts Human?
Fall 2006
How To Leave The Dorms and Live On?
Spring 2006
Grad Student Mistakes Dove Bar for Bar of Dove
Fall 2006
Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority Kicks Off New Public Relations Campaign
Winter 2003
Republicans Accuse Michael Phelps of Elitism
Fall 2008
Who's On Tap?
Spring 2006
HSP Comics Fall 2007: SKÖR
Fall 2007
Jesus Outsources Prayer-Answering to India
Fall 2006
Senators Turn to Twitter For On-The-Go Filibusters
Spring 2009
ANTI-MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS
January 2003
Facebook Friend Request Mistaken For Actual Friend Request
Fall 2007
Hand Dryers Take Basically Forever
Fall 2006
American Torturers Decry Recent Outsourcing Trend
Fall 2006
Bush Amends Constitution to Ban Only Monogamous Gay Relationships
Fall 2007
China's First Space Walker Disqualified After Age Fraud Scandal
Fall 2008
Tourists Discover New Species of Squirrel in Harvard Yard
Spring 2009
Population of India Rapidly Turning into Physics
Fall 2004
Bush Calls for Massive Troop Surge in America's Heartland
Spring 2007
Planet Mars Angry That People Haven't Landed On It Yet
Winter 2003
Girl Continually Hit On By Local Tree
May 2003
6 Bastard Children the Film Industry Doesn't Want You To Hear About
Fall 2003
HSP Comics Spring 2008: KLAUS
Spring 2008
John Harvard Statue Going Blind; Experts Blame Tourists
Spring 2004
E.O. Wilson is Sick and Tired of Ants
Fall 2006
Cheney to Live Up To His Word
Fall 2004
Following Recommendations from HGWISE, President Summers to Become a Woman
Fall 2005
Harvard Police Log
Spring 2005
Bush Confuses Waterboarding With Bodyboarding
Spring 2008
Following Eliot Spitzer Scandal, Harvard Revamps Escort Service
Spring 2008
Are You Not Entertained, Again?
Fall 2006
Our Biggest Logo Ever!
Spring 2006
HSP Comics Fall 2008: SKÖR
Fall 2008
Amid Controversy, Russel-Stover Cancels Line of Chocolate Gods Treats
Fall 2007
There's No Way You're Getting Past the Secretary
Fall 2004
Bush Unveils New Gulf-Coast Reconstruction Plan, Promotes Leadership Role for Pirate Sector
Fall 2005
Bush Administration to Begin Oil Drilling From Baby Harp Seals
Fall 2005
My True Love Ate My Thesis
Fall 2007
US Prepares For Invasion, Sexual Liberation of Iran
Fall 2007
Fearing Pandemic, COOTIES Vaccine Required for Harvard Enrollment
Spring 2007
Why Write For HSP?
Spring 2008
Space, No Place For the Unhip
May 2003
HSP Comics Spring 2008: DIEGO
Spring 2008
Controversy Mounts Over Comments by Harvard President Larry Summers
Spring 2005
25 Posters Designed to Capture the Spirit of Valentine's Day
Spring 2004
Who's The Candidate For You?
Winter 2003
Stochastic Processes Professor Assigns Grades Stochastically
Fall 2006
Britney Spears Converts to Islam
Fall 2005
Other Planets: Terrible Places For Dates
Spring 2004
Lazy Bouncer Fooled By 5 of Clubs
Spring 2004
Following Latest Riots, Burn-Resistant Cars Become Hot Sellers in France
Spring 2006
Harvard Professor Indicted on Fly-Fighting Charges
Spring 2008
Study: Most Seniors Confused by Medicare Benefits, World Around Them
Spring 2006
The Electoral College Map After Global Warming
Spring 2005
Now Marijuana Free, Snoop Doggy Dogg Finds Time to Dabble in Theoretical Astrophysics
March 2003
Area Students Make Pizza Delivery History
Fall 2005
American Red Cross Expands Give-Away Program
Spring 2007
Security Isn't About Wearing A Uniform
Fall 2004
FDA Withdraws Soma
Spring 2005
Physicist Reports Rapidly Decreasing Number of Degrees to Kevin Bacon
Fall 2008
HSP Eagerly Plagiarizes Shepard Fairey
Spring 2009
HSP Comics Fall 2008: KLAUS
Fall 2008
HSP Finally Lampoons Drew Faust
Spring 2009
Sarah Palin to Make First Visit to Continental United States
Fall 2008
Republicans Fear Large Hadron Collider Will Create Black Holes, Presidents
Fall 2008
Rainbow Bright Goes Goth
Spring 2007
Alex Rodriguez Accuses Michelle Obama of Steroid Use
Spring 2009
Teaching Fellows Desperately Want More Teaching Conferences
Spring 2007
Top 10 Reasons Why John McCain is Too Old To Be President
Spring 2008
Why Write For HSP?
Fall 2008
HSP Comics Spring 2008: SKÖR
Spring 2008
Silicon, Germanium File Grievance Against Arnold Schwarzenegger
Fall 2003
A Tribute To The Sci-Onion
Fall 2003
Bill Gates Arrested on Charges of Sexual Assault
Spring 2005
Berkeley Theoretical Physicist Interviewed By New York Times Science Correspondent
Winter 2003
How Not Watching FOX News Could Kill You
Spring 2004
Want To Run HSP?
Spring 2009
Scrabulous Master Limits Actual Vocabulary to Two-Letter Words
Spring 2008
Scientists Find Source of Light at End of Tunnel
Fall 2005
Mississippi Renews Ban on Reproductive Science in Public Schools
Fall 2004
America Accidentally Elects Dennis Kucinich
Spring 2004
Disappointed Would-Be Translator Told "Farting is Not A Language"
Fall 2007
Bad Publicity, My Ass! You Must Be Taking Crazy Pills
Spring 2004
HSP Comics Fall 2008: DIEGO
Fall 2008
Internet Access Now Limited to Patriots
Spring 2005
Where Did the Day Go?
Fall 2005
Massachusetts Decriminalizes Crime
Spring 2009
Comedians Struggle to Make Fun of President Obama
Spring 2009
Harvard Undergraduate Just Can't Stop Helping Others
Spring 2007
Vegetarians To Blame For Destruction of the Rainforests, Says Chevron
January 2003
Area Heroin Addict Blames Drug For Incessant Weight Gain, Threatens Legal Action
January 2003
United States Discovers 1.7 Trillion Stashed Under National Mattress
Fall 2008
Al Gore Credits Emotion Chip With Resurgence in Popularity
Spring 2007
Fleet: "We Now Have Enough Money."
July 2003
Google, The Modern Day Oracle of Delphi
July 2003
Jordan's Furniture Bets Obama Will Strike Out
Fall 2007
Photo of Yale's "We Suck" Prank Shown to Be Doctored
Spring 2007
Summers Taps Bill Clinton as Student-Faculty Affairs VP
Spring 2006
Network Hopes "Middle Class Cattle Drive" Will Be Hit with Viewers
Fall 2005
Obama Sets Timetable For Personally Killing Bin Laden
Fall 2008
European Union to Become 51st U.S. State
Fall 2006
Putin Enters Biweekly Weight-Lifting Program to Increase Power Even Further
Fall 2004
Why Adidas Should be Paying Me, and Other Rants
Fall 2005
Discovery Channel Screenshots
Spring 2007
Animal Still Exists Somewhere in Nepal
Fall 2004
Top 10 Ways to Get Turned to Stone
Fall 2005
Arms Shipment Nothing But Weapons From CLUE
Spring 2008
Ralph Nader Probably Also Hates You
Fall 2004
Whenever I'm Feeling Down, I Publish Another Nature Article
Spring 2008
Painkillers...It's Whats for VicodinTMner
Fall 2003
Area Man Smuggles 70 Kilograms of Liquid onto Plane
Fall 2006
Entrepreneurial Caribou Subvert Oil Drilling Plans
July 2003
What's In A Logo? A Story of Inherited Spam.
Spring 2004
Mafia Goes Public
Fall 2003
Netfuxxx: No Late Fees!
Spring 2008
Snoop Doggy Dogg Formally Announces 2008 Bid For Vice Prezzidency
Spring 2005
Saddam Hussein Remarkably Bad at Video Games, Evidently
March 2003
Wishing Fountains Soon to Accept Personal Checks
Spring 2005
Male Engineering Professor Incredibly Excited About Helping Women in Science
Fall 2008
Area Resident Wins Dunster House Look-Alike Contest
Fall 2004
MBTA Transit Watch Pamphlet
Fall 2006
Invisible Monkey Throws Visible Poop
Fall 2007
Herpes Vaccine Found To Increase Sex Appeal
Fall 2007
Gay Terror Alert Updated to Perrywinkle
Fall 2005
Consumer Protection Group Accuses Michelin of Marketing Tires to Infants
Fall 2008
HSP Comics Winning Cartoons! - Spring 2007
Spring 2007
McCain: "I Will Not Rest Until I Am Universally Covered"
Fall 2008
NASCAR Fan Announces Plan to Save the Environment
Fall 2006
Giant Mushroom Cloud Over North Korea Obscures Search For Weapons of Mass Destruction
Fall 2004
Stephen Wolfram Pens, "A New Kind of Pseudoscience"
March 2003
Angelina Jolie vs. Jeffrey Sachs
Fall 2006
HSP Movie Reviews: Bruce Willis 5
Fall 2007
Iraq Declared "Safest Place in the World in the Event of a Hurricane"
Fall 2005
Saddam Reportedly Growing Rabbit Ears
Spring 2005
Black Hole Out-sucked By Economy
Spring 2009
Cambridge Residence Suspected of Housing Sweatshop
Spring 2009
6 More Unfortunate Box Office Mergers
Winter 2003
Larry Summers Boldly Hand Picks Successor to Harvard Presidency
Spring 2006
Love in Translation
Spring 2006
Ghost of Isaac Newton Vandalizes Rival's Wikipedia Article
Spring 2009
Ode to the Wonders of Sleep Deprivation
Spring 2005
A Little Something For the Holidays
Fall 2005
NASA Announces Breakthrough in Orange Juice Carton Technology
Fall 2006
Tom Brady Angers Christian Fans, Claims He is Better Than Jesus
Fall 2007
Pundits Decry Decline of Communal Drug Use in America
Fall 2008
Google and Transatlantic Swimming
Spring 2007
Superman Being Investigated By INS
Spring 2005
Study: Massachusetts Has Highest Rates of Wicked Retarded
Fall 2007
Hugo Chavez Elected President of the United States
Fall 2007
Global Economy Becomes Sentient, Endorses Obama
Fall 2008
Celine Dion and 50 Cent Team Up For New Album
Spring 2009
Rock of Crack Gets Ph.D. in Biochemistry From Harvard
Winter 2003
In the Shadow of Rusting Steel Mills, the Struggle for Ninja Rights Continues
Spring 2007
Mike Huckabee Warns of Declining Stork Population, Extinction of Human Race
Spring 2008
Don't Just Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.
Fall 2007
MBTA Transit Watch Pamphlet
Fall 2005
Top Ten Worst Distributed Supercomputing Projects
Spring 2009
I Wish The Sierra Club Would Stop Wasting So Much Goddamned Paper
Winter 2003
NHL Fans Still Angry at Bob Costas
Spring 2004
Area Man Unreasonably Proud of Incredible Hulk Playing Cards
Winter 2003
HSP Comics Spring 2009: DIEGO
Spring 2009
Book of Riddles Disables Evil Supercomputer
Fall 2008
Schwarzenegger, Davis Square off in No Holds Barred Gubernatorial Debate
Fall 2003
HSP Comics Fall 2007: KLAUS
Fall 2007
Will White Working Class Democrats Vote For Obama?
Fall 2008
Biden Quietly Appeases Liberal White Racist Demographic
Fall 2008
Facebook Now Open to Prison Population
Spring 2009
We Got Him!
Winter 2003
NBC Preps Watchmen For Network Premiere
Spring 2009
Overwhelmed By American Flag Pins, Al-Quaida Disbands
Spring 2009
Thompson, If You Don't Get Busy Around Here Soon, I'm Outsourcing Your Job to China
Fall 2008
Emoticon Exposure To Ultraviolet Rays
Spring 2008
Shaving Your Face Off Has Never Been Easier
Fall 2006
Scientists Find, Boston Really, Really, Extremely Cold in January
March 2003
Unfrozen Caveman Fails To Understand Obsolescence of Hunting
Fall 2004
Terrorist's Demands Getting Ridiculous
Spring 2005
Romance Discovered In Outer Solar System
Spring 2004
This Famous Scientific Concept Now Brought to You By...
January 2003
20 Years After 1984, Big Brother Claims He's Still Totally Watching You
Spring 2004
Spam Writer's Union Enters Tenth Year
Fall 2007
Nature, Science Introduce Each Other As Sub-Journals
Spring 2009
Clinton and Obama Court Black Vote with Reparations Packages
Spring 2007
Obscure Diseases Lament Lack of Charity Runs
Spring 2008
Unexpected Angst At Area Semaphore
May 2003
HSP Comics Spring 2009: KLAUS
Spring 2009
Take It From Me. Drugs Are A Really Bad Idea
Fall 2004



Snoop Dogg vs. Eminem

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