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Issue 10
Fall 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

October 31, 2020
 
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Yasser Arafat Spotted in Tulsa Wal-Mart

By R.A.J. - HSP Special Correspondent for Wal-Mart Affairs

TULSA, OK -Several months after his supposed death in a Paris military hospital, the allegedly late Yasser Arafat was spotted in a Wal-Mart off Rural Route 2847 near Tulsa, Oklahoma. At this time, at least two witnesses are believed to have confirmed the near unmistakable physical identity of Palestinian Authority Chairman. One witness, an employee who wished to remain pseudonymous as Captain America, reported that he saw a short man in an olive suit and a funny hat in the automotive section speaking accusatory Arabic while shaking a can of Motor Oil and pointing vigorously at its price tag.

According to the Captain, whose rank is being verified by local police, Arafat evidently claimed he needed struts for a 75 Chevy Vega, "Well, you know it has been a darned long time since I seen one of them Vegas", said the Captain, his only statement logged on the official Tulsa county police report.

The second witness, 72-year-old Mabel Bunson, says she saw Yasser in line behind her at Express Lane number 4. "I offered to let him in front of me", added Bunson, "seeing as how he only had one item, a box of parts for some antique American road monster, I think." She has since died of natural causes.

Grover McDonald, the assistant manager on duty, did not see Mr. Arafat but immediately surrendered to police anyway. "We're just a regular Wal-Mart here", he pleaded. "Not one of those Wal-Mart Super Centers like they got in Topeka". Wal- Mart authorities had no comment on the sighting or the odd disappearance of Mr. McDonald, and could not confirm any past employment from their records. "Happens all the time," explained Wal-Mart associate district manager Floyd Floyd, "You gotta understand, we're a big corporation. Actually the biggest one, believe it or not."

Mr. Arafat, the longtime face of the Palestinian struggle, was sent from his Ramallah flat to a Paris hospital when he fell suddenly and mysteriously ill in late October...mysteriously if you ignore the fact that he was 100. A spokeswoman for the hospital told this reporter something in French. It sounded important.

Local police are now coordinating with state and federal law enforcement agencies and Chevy dealerships to confirm or deny reports that Arafat may have crossed state lines with improperly installed struts. "Freedom fighter or not", said Agent Wilson of the DEA, "bad struts are a serious matter. Shocks too."

As of last Tuesday, Arafat's whereabouts were unknown, although, according to deputy sheriff Stan Jenkins, he couldn't have traveled, "farther than a stones throw in that piece of shit". Seeing that gas prices have tripled in the past 4 days, HSP will continue to pursue the matter on foot.  HSP 




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