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Issue 09
Spring 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

September 26, 2022

Link is Dead

Hyrule - These words were first uttered in recent memory by my friend Daniel, who will remain nameless, in a tragicomic and - like the proverbial hamster in the microwave - ultimately doomed attempt to vicariously enjoy the pleasures of sex tourism in developing countries through the fictitious web portal:

Ironically, Daniel's failed attempt to even remotely exploit young men and women of working-class backgrounds in economically depressed parts of Southeast Asia is correlated with a very real and tragic tragedy in the land of Hyrule.

Link, hero of the popular Nintendo game "The Legend of Zelda," was found dead early this morning, discovered by his nemesis, Ganon, an 8 to 16 bit villain who craves to plunge the world into fear and darkness under his rule. Ironically, according to the coroner, the evil overlord himself could not claim responsibility for the death of his rival. The cause of death was deemed to be septic shock, which occurred after Link apparently fell down a secret staircase - revealed to him after burning down a magical tree - and landed in a pool of industrial waste from a fictitious pharmaceutical plant that wasn't actually supposed to be part of the enchanted forest but somehow was inserted by the programmers for no apparent reason.

Ganon, whose spirit returned from the outer darkness after Link's untimely demise, finally had his long-awaited revenge for having been killed by Link over 8,000,000 times in games played across the U.S. and Japan, as he taunted the corpse.

"Are you a bitch?" Ganon asked rhetorically, standing over his opponent and kicking the dead body.

"Just what I thought," he continued, walking away and feigning disgust, "Nothing but a mother-fucking bitch."

After the incident, Ganon returned to Death Mountain and was unavailable for comment. However, his evil minions noted that their lives would now be much easier, as it would no longer be necessary to go through the hassle of lighting the Three Flames of Destruction, Sorrow, and Despair in order to resurrect their master.  HSP 





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