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Issue 17
Spring 2009

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

December 18, 2018
 
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Comedians Struggle to Make Fun of President Obama

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With President Obama's Jesus-like approval ratings hovering consistently at 60-65% during the first months of his presidency, comedians, humorists, and pundits alike have found themselves nearly incapable of effectively satirizing the president. Despite two potentially un-winnable wars and an inherited economic crisis more dire than even the current economic crisis, Obama's speeches are often drowned out by a veritable clap track of applause lines, and nameologists now predict that "Barack" will be the 2nd most popular U.S. name by 2013. Evidently "Barack" means lightning in Hebrew, according to the 77% of comedians who knew that.

According to sources, both the economic and presidential humor crises have struck at the heart of the satirical comedy profession, with at least 95% of former Bush impersonators moonlighting as birthday clowns, and nearly a third of the staff of The Onion regularly freelancing as cereal box and/or shampoo bottle writers. Even HSP was forced to take out a sub-prime loan to stay afloat.

"Don't think all of this is lost on Obama", argued Columbia University Professor of Satire Maggie Jobs. "The President has even contacted former president Bush for advice on combatting the current 250% unemployment in the political comedy sector," formerly our most reliable economic indicator, averaging an unprecedented -80% from 2000-2008. "Obama was evidently told to act more retardederated during public appearances, and defer all questions to Joe Biden."

In a political climate where even FOX News has found that taking Obama's words out of context still invariably results in grammatically correct, rhetorically brilliant sentences, hordes of out-of-work comedians are desperately struggling to keep Bush jokes relevant. For example, according to Harvard Professor of Joke Studies David M. Clownstein, "A headline like, "Ex-President Tries to Smoke Out Terrorist, Inadvertently Burns Down Neighbor's Ranch,' pokes fun at the recently retired leader's failure to accept his incompetence, impotence, and obsolescence, but no longer tickles the Zeitgeist like it would have as recently as 2008."

"The fact is, many satirists are simply finding it difficult to adapt to the modern political climate where scientific thinking, measured eloquence, and blackness are actually considered virtues," explained Brooklyn Professor of Comic Judaism, Rabbi Christian DeJesus.

Even the Daily Show's Jon Stewart, who has denied rumors of his resume floating on Monster.com, told HSP, "With Bush, my job was like getting paid to snort free cocaine that cured AIDS. Now my job is like explaining to my wife and children why I've been snorting cocaine off the asses of dead Vietnamese hookers, with AIDS. But to be fair, in this economy, I'd only be snorting half-lines. Even Rush Limbaugh has been cutting his Oxycontin doses in half, before taking two of them."

"We all have to tighten our belts in times like these," added pseudo-uber-conservative pundit Stephen Colbert 22 minutes later, "Unfortunately for Limbaugh, scientists warn that any additional belt tightening would violate both the laws of physics and any semblance of human decency, not unlike Rush's show."

"What's the worst thing about Obama?" asked liberal pundit Bill Maher. "He smokes cigarettes. So the president has a vice. It's beats the shit out of infidelity, and its a hell of a lot better than Dick Cheney." In fact, Obama was voted least likely to cheat on his wife by his elementary and middle school classes, and he has been rumored to have once created the universe in 5 days, safely eclipsing God's long thought unbreakable record. "Not even DiMaggio's 56 game hit streak is safe," explained God in a rare interview.

Despite the fact that a 27-year-old writes most of Obama's speeches, Obama himself continues to impress the shit out of even his teleprompter, who can "no longer imagine being read by anyone else," and plans to be "mercifully melted with an arc welding torch" in 2016. One source indicates that the once popular daily "Bushisms" calendar has been replaced with the real-time "Obamaverse" iPod App, which provides up to 44 poignant Obama quotes per day, each of which lends deep insight into the human condition, striking at core truths of existence not understood since ever.

"Its just so god damned hard to make fun of him," lamented one demoralized stand up comedian, "If he'd just cut back on his excessively reasonable eloquence for one fucking second, maybe I wouldn't be wasting away, whoring myself out to weddings and Bar Mitzvah's."

Another comic, upon hearing unexpected laughter-like noises from the audience after an admittedly weak Obama joke, was disappointed to discover that it wasn't hope in the air, but rather a thick cloud of nitrous oxide gushing from the scuba tank of a compassionate, if unorthodox, fan. Faced with the soul crushing, ulcer-inducing, prospect of actually having to work for their material for the better part of the next decade, many poor comedians are turning to death to reduce their medical bills.  HSP 




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