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Issue 04
July 2003

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 28, 2021

Verdana Named Best Font After Brutal Font War With Times New Roman

By Mr. Fonttastic
Fontville, USA - After a prolonged battle, which outlasted the predictions of even the most conservative Oval Office spokespersons, it was announced last Tuesday that Verdana had finally won the font war with Times New Roman. The report came directly from some punctuation marks, asterisks, commas, semicolons, and the like, who were embedded within the sentences and paragraphs of battle. Despite, what were billed as nearly insurmountable 56,000:1 odds in Las Vegas this past month, Verdana pulled through, and had this to say.

"It's been a long time coming, baby. Everybody who even knows anything remotely factual about the symbolic representation of language knows that I'm like way better than Times New Roman, Courier, or Arial Narrow, those pathetic, illegible, wannabe fonts. At least I don't look like my characters are in fucking Sanskrit."

Times New Roman kindly responded to the badmouthing, as Courier and Arial Narrow were still recovering from that weekend bender in Ensenada.

"There's a reason why I'm still the default font for Microsoft Word, the Goliath of word processing programs, and virtually every other computer program that deals with words in the first place." Times remarked. "It's because Verdana sucks and I'm the bomb. In fact, I don't even give a shit what a few intellectually lazy punctuation marks decided to spew out and try to pass off as print. Verdana can suck my 12 pt. cock. And also, **!!@@#/($... biyatch!"

"That last shit was pretty low, even for Times Old Goatbag." Verdana quickly retorted. "If he wants to play dirty, I'm not going to resort to that childish, G-rated comic book method of euphemistic swearing with an assortment of random non-alphabetic characters. I'm happy to just say in plain English, eat shit and die, you obsolete, can't get a new job, poorly outlined, piece of shit excuse for a font face. There's a reason why essentially all the web pages on the net that have any desire to be readable use Verdana. The fact that this very document and all the others ones on this web page are currently employing Verdana is simply further testament to my case."

"And did you hear? Times New Roman actually causes blindness in mice. Mice, for god's sake!"

Times countered by switching the font for this sentence. I'm still not sure how it did that, actually. Personally, I'm just typing. But anyway, the font war.

Other lesser know fonts like Haettenschweiler, , and Lucida Console, had nothing to say about the font war itself, although one of them asked me if I had figured out which movie it was based on. After that, I decided to move on, seeing that I wouldn't get much print-worthy material from the font village idiots.

"Now check this out!" cried out the increasingly erratic Verdana. "As it turns out, we just discovered aliens, and they also use Verdana. No seriously, I'm not shitting you. And the fact that two civilizations, completely independent of one another, came to the same font choice conclusion should erase any possible shadow of a doubt that I am the font king and Times New Roman is a horse's ass. If this plus the internet argument doesn't convince you, then you're as good as comatose."

Times New Roman remained unimpressed. "Everybody knows we haven't discovered aliens yet." Times added. "And the mere idea that they would use fonts like ours, or have characters or linguistic representations even remotely connected with human symbols is grossly anthropocentric and infantile. And besides, Verdana smells like my butt."

In the end, as it has done so often in other more minor font wars throughout the font literary globe, Wingdings decided to sum up everything.

Jesus, man, I'm sorry I shot you, but I thought you were robbing my store.

Verdana offered to translate, you know, as a public service just in case you couldn't read that shit.

Evidently, what Windings said was, "Jesus man, I'm sorry I shot you, but I thought you were robbing my store."

"Is it just me, or do you also find that not helpful?" complained Verdana. "And besides, I think that's just a line from a movie anyway. You know, Eddie Murphy, early 1990's....I don't fucking remember the name, because every goddamned title now is in Cyrillic, with all these movie people always trying to get so fancy with their posters and their overly clever, computer animated, opening credits. Can't you see how much the world needs me?"

Out of courtesy, Times New Roman politely declined our offer to have the last word.  HSP 





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