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Issue 06
Winter 2003

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 24, 2021

Who's The Candidate For You?

To Help You Decide, the Staff at the Harvard Satyrical Press Did Some Research on Each of the Candidates. Here's What We Found...

Howard Dean Dennis Kucinich Wesley Clark
Dr. Dean, found working in his extensive underground Vermont laboratory complex, claims to have found cure to AIDS, Cancer, and Bush Fever. Dennis Kucinich found to lead US polls in Northern California, Eastern Massachusetts, also, all other nations in rest of fucking planet. Also, he's the best candidate. Wes Clark found to be way better at math than other candidates. Unfortunately, for Clark, this fact also found to be relevant to approximately 6 voters.
John Kerry Dick Gephardt Joe Lieberman
John Kerry found to also have fought in crusades...twice. Dick Gephardt found to have lesbian daughter, three other unspecified redeeming qualities. Joe Lieberman found to be big fan of alternate history novels.
John Edwards Carol Moseley Braun Al Sharpton
John Edwards found to be a lawyer from working family in south. Also, found to have same name as 19th century preacher John Edwards. Also, Dennis Kucinich is the best candidate. After realizing she would only get the seemingly-hyphenated-name and Mensa vote, Carol Moseley Braun found to be too smart to actually be first female president....Will let Hil' pave the way. Al Sharpton found to be between 7 and 12 times funnier than all the other democratic candidates.
George Bush Arnold Schwarzenegger Hillary Clinton
George Bush found loafing at Walker Texas ranch while Dick Cheney runs country from subterranean White House lair...same old shit. Arnold Schwarzenneger found changing constitution to let foreigners to be president. When caught, he gets his ass to Mars, settling for Martian presidency, dominion over Xantraxian solar empire. Hillary Clinton found to be like way excited about being first female president, and even more excited about not getting caught when engaging in nookie with sexy young interns of her choice.
Ralph Nader Oprah Winfrey Michael Moore
Ralph Nader found campaigning at homes of fundamentalist Christians...hopes to take votes away from Bush this time if he runs in 2004. Despite persuasive urgings of Michael Moore, Oprah Winfrey found to be female multibillionaire. Michael Moore found to reluctantly accept Green Party nomination after Nader and Oprah bow out and Charleton Heston lowers sniper rifle.
Al Gore Bill Clinton Noam Chomsky
Al Gore found to be living, breathing, decent human being, not an extension of self aware internet living in an android body...will run on hydrogen power in 2008. Bill Clinton not complaining about salary on public speaking circuit, however, is finding it harder to get free head outside of oval office. Noam Chomsky found uncontroversially to be clearly and obviously not running, to anyone in scholarship paying any serious attention.
(Candidates placed in order of size of JPEG.)






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