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Issue 15
Spring 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 28, 2021

Why Write For HSP?

 Previous HSP authors have become academics, migrant workers, unemployed homeless drug addicts, and a variety of acrobats, circus clowns, and leech-like sex slaves to eccentric billionaires. Defining success on our own terms, HSP gives you the skills to fail spectacularly in business fraud, hedge fund mismanagement, and shadowy seven-figure consulting contracts with offshore firms that actually involve sipping margaritas professionally in an undisclosed location.

Our distinguished alumni do not include Thomas Jefferson, Conan O'Brien, or Your Mom, who is actually much funnier than you give her credit for. However, all of our alumni are still do the math. Benjamin Franklin also invented electricity while reading an issue of HSP, a falsehood largely ignored by serious historians. Several US Presidents have made equally serious efforts to not read HSP, which simply shows that we are doing our job.

Unlike other non-topical publications, we take risks, engaging in professional scholarship dealing with sensitive political, religious, and racial issues, while protecting our authors with a blanket of anonymity not known outside of third world peasanthood. We set the bar high, and routinely fail to reach it because many of us are short, Jewish men.

We continually strive for excellence, but not that much. We don't do drugs, but, to be fair, drugs don't do us either. We also encourage plagiarism of all kinds, sometimes reproducing entire novels without permission.

With rolling submissions accepted until the Fall, take our advice and submit to HSP now, before all the good jokes are taken.

- The Editors





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