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Issue 17
Spring 2009

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

July 12, 2024

HSP Finally Lampoons Drew Faust

HARVARD - With the Harvard endowment declining over 30% in the past year, HSP decided the time was finally ripe to make fun of Harvard's first female president. With the enDOWment serving as an accurate proxy for Faust's approval ratings, numbers for the new Harvard president have finally dropped into Larry Summers like territory. "With Summers, it was such easy pickings, seeing as he spent most of his time choking on his penny loafers," explained Harvard Presidential scholar Chet Huntington, III. "Faust would never suggest something as controversial as 'Late Decision Admissions For Lazy Harvard Applicants', or 'The Larry Summers Science Helmet for Girls.' Christ, up until now, its been easier to make fun of Obama! As if one mistake-free, barrier breaking president wasn't enough."

Huntington further elucidated the difficulty of lampooning Faust. "When she was promoted from her previous job, Faust was a relative unknown, as most students still thought that Radcliffe was that cartoon cat that ripped off Garfield. Also, she's just so much less of a douchebag than Larry Summers." Although he conceded that she was, "clearly, much more likely to use one."

Faust has taken drastic steps to guide the Harvard community through the economic crisis, subjecting students to reduced university services, an indefinite faculty hiring freeze, and a flurry of long-winded e-mails which reportedly caused Faust to exceed her own FAS e-mail quota. Harvard IT staffers attributed the excess gigabytes to subject lines that often included the text of all previous e-mails and several thousand repetitions of the words 'courage', 'sacrifice', and 'uncertainty.' Some financial strategies advocated in her e-mails included a Chemistry department meth lab, investing heavily in wheelbarrows, and a campus-wide bake sale. She also advocates broader American policies like selling the Louisiana purchase (and most of the flyover states) back to France, hocking Alaska back to Sarah Palin for oil and deer, and leasing a 5% stake in the Statue of Liberty to China. Due to budget cuts, Faust also reluctantly announced that Bill Gates will only be speaking at Harvard twice this year.

Ever the diplomat, Faust posted some prepared comments online, describing herself as someone who, "loves studying history, promoting female equality, and having a first name normally reserved for dudes." She added that she loved those things so much that she'd even be willing to, "compromise the very depths of her soul" in order to continue those pursuits. Faust added, "Some days, I actually can't believe all the dark bargains I had to make to become the president of Harvard. Thank God Larry Summers made it impossible for Harvard to not hire a woman."  HSP 





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