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Issue 10
Fall 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

October 31, 2020
 
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Bush Unveils New Gulf-Coast Reconstruction Plan, Promotes Leadership Role for Pirate Sector

FORBIDDEN WATERS, SOMEWHERE IN THE CARIBBEAN - The Bush administration announced today that the Gulf Coast will be rebuilt, not via direct relief from the federal government, but through the dynamism of the free market. "Tax-and-spend Democrats have called on this administration to rebuild New Orleans," said Bush, in the morning press conference. "But we all know that government is the problem, not the solution. For leadership in the reconstruction effort, we need to look to the Pirate Sector."

Key members of the Pirate Sector were called on to comment. "Ay, matey!" agreed Captain Blackbeard, swinging his hook in approval. "It's high time those mangy landlubbers came to us for help. We've been pillaging up and down the Gulf Coast for years! Now it's arrrrrrr turn to give something back to the community. Did ye get that, matey? I want to make sure the "R" sound bite is represented faithfully in print. If ye takes me remarks out of context one wee bit, a curse shall be cast upon all your booty, and I'll make ye walk the plank so fast, you'll be swimming with more sharks than me stockbroker."

Although its financial role in the region has traditionally received little coverage in the mainstream media, The Pirate Sector represents a vibrant economy that stretches across the islands of the Gulf Coast and into the Caribbean. Pirates rarely contribute tax revenue, since their operations are all offshore. However, in recent years, politicians have developed many Public-Pirate Partnerships, involving innovative collaborations with the sea-based business community.

In his statement to the press, Bush took a strong stand against "the looters who took advantage of the post-Katrina chaos to prey on the innocent." The Pirate community also expressed their disgust. "Shiver me timbers," groaned Enrico the Terrible. "The looting in New Orleans truly broke my heart. Such amateurism! Those people clearly lack the life skills they need to make it on the High Seas. That why with our new mentoring program, the Cabin Boys and Girls Club, we'll reach out to those young people, to teach them how to rape and pillage like True Pirates!"

Bob Williams, a Certified Pirate Accountant, agreed with President Bush. "My heart goes out to the victims of Katrina. But we don't need Big Government to do our work for us, nay! We Pirates will lead the Arrr-mies of Compassion to bring hope and healing to the Gulf Coast. And if ye think ye don't want help from a bunch of filthy sea barbarians like ourselves, just see what deal ye'd be getting from our competitors." Indeed, other members of the offshore business community such as Haliburton and Bechtel are currently optimizing how to profit from the relief efforts, and welcomed the idea of working again with an administration that seemed to share so many of their operational principles.  HSP 




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