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Issue 15
Spring 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 28, 2021

Mike Huckabee Warns of Declining Stork Population, Extinction of Human Race

By Mike Huckabee
LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS - My fellow Americans. Now I'm a simple man. I'm not one of those over-brained, secular Harvard types who don't have the fortitude to see God's truth, but I'm not the dullest nail in the shed either. And when I see a problem, a real problem, a problem that poses a grave threat not just to good, Christian Americans, but to the entire world, then by God, I feel a compulsion to act that supersedes any sort of partisanship or misguided nationalism. This isn't about Democrats or Republicans, Americans and Foreigners, or even Christians and God-Hating Liberals. It's about people. And its about saving a very special, very endangered, river dwelling non-migrant bird before its too late for all of us.

Unless We Act Now, Its Huck-a-bye, Baby

Yes, you heard me. This could be the end of days. As much as I'm secure with where I'll be headed when the rapture comes, I fear it might go against God's plan to prematurely end this wonderful human story due to something we ourselves can prevent — through science. With all this hoopla about global warming, nuclear war, and the quagmire in Iraq, the public has totally overlooked an inconvenient truth bigger than all of those put together.

And I'm not even talking about gay terrorists threatening to undermine the sanctity of marriage. I'm not just talking about bequeathing a world we aren't proud of to our descendents. I'm talking about a world with no descendants! Thankfully, there is a way to forestall this tragedy, by putting our best minds to work and trusting in the Lord to allow us to raise the stork population back to acceptable levels before we see the end to the miracle of birth itself.

It is no surprise that Wood Storks (Mycteria Americana) are monogamous, faithful birds that pair during a breeding season and raise their offspring together. The time of breeding depends on weather conditions, food supplies, appropriate nesting sites, and seasonal changes in water level. In dryer weather, when the water level is low, fish gather in small ponds in abundance, giving storks an easily accessible source of protein and nutrients. However, climate change and increased human encroachment into their habitats has significantly disrupted the natural stork life cycle, and paradoxically, threatened our very existence. I've even heard of tales — God help us — of humans hunting and actually eating storks! If these cannibals aren't doing the devil's work on Earth, I don't know who is, except maybe the devil, who is among us, and is named Barack Obama.

Now, while I am placing special emphasis on the problem, I'm not claiming to be the messenger of any unprecedented revelation here. Indeed, scientists have been struggling with this problem for years. In 1999, workers at Ouachita Baptist University, my own alma mater, tried using pelicans, but failed to produce even a single human infant. Biologists at Bob Jones university, in an ingenious 2003 effort, succeeded in grafting stork genes onto the hummingbird. Unfortunately, all the babies turned out to be liberals with rapid heartbeats. As several eminent scholars at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary have pointed out, if the storks die out, we might all have to resort to begatting. And God knows, nobody wants that.

Chuck Norris Now Available to Stand Behind You at Press Conferences

And its not just the birds that are in trouble. Evidently North American honey bee populations are also declining. You see, its all connected. I once had an atheist friend of mine — yes, some of my best friends are atheists — ask me pointedly how bees or birds themselves made babies. I can't tell you how hard it was to hold back my pity for the young woman as I patiently explained to her that they simply used very small storks. Despite her ignorance of the ways of the divine, the aha experience I witnessed in her eyes as she finally saw the truth made it all worth it.

While President Bush acted in good conscience when he limited the number of stem cell lines eligible for federal funding, as Vice President, I may be forced to make some difficult choices on that issue. Although abortion is murder, as I understand it, stem cells may be our only hope if we wish to support mass cloning of storks, or search for a viable alternative avian species (for example, the Blue-footed booby or the American flamingo). As my thinking has evolved, I've already begun drafting bipartisan legislation to allow us to move forward on this morally challenging, but undeniably crucial issue. Ten years ago, if you had said, "Mike, I'll bet you'll find a way to unite conservative, right wing fundamentalists and morally bankrupt environmentalists in common cause," I'd have said fiddlesticks! But there's nothing like an impending disaster to reveal the full cooperative potential of the human spirit.

As the stewards of God's creation, we must work hard to fulfill the obligation the Lord has thrust upon us. From the fleet Easter Bunny to the majestic Arctic Reindeer, all of God's species are precious, especially us, and especially storks, without whom we would have long since perished since we couldn't have babies otherwise. In these troubled times, by the power of Jesus and through the kindness of God Almighty, I have faith that, united, we shall find fundamental salvation for the winged bedrock of the human reproductive process.  HSP 





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