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Issue 08
Fall 2004

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

July 12, 2024

Population of India Rapidly Turning into Physics

Mumbai, India - India, neck in neck with China as the world's most populous nation has had its share of space problems. As such, the Indian government has done what it can to limit the birthrate, from promoting birth control to simply asking babies politely to wait for a few extra weeks in the womb. For various reasons - the population problem among them - most families prefer sons over daughters and in some places, the males outnumber the females by a significant, and growing, fraction.

As such, Nobel Prize winning rocket scientist Carl Harvard noted that, if this effect continues to exponentially approach its logical limit, in just a few years, India will become Physics.

"You know what I'm saying", Harvard added. "If you've ever been in a Physics class or even just seen one, the ladies are about as ubiquitous as ass hair on a baby. I was in a class once where there were 30 guys, one girl, and a transvestite named Pat who was really good at calculus. One time I had to ask Pat if I could borrow his/her TI 85 Calculator and that was the closest I ever came to talking to a girl."

Harvard bitterly continued. "If India doesn't do something, and do it fast, Calcutta and Bombay are going to quickly devolve into Statistical Mechanics 110a, and everybody knows that means a lot of sexually frustrated, angry men, and a few girls who think they're hot shit but really aren't."

The Professor then proceeded to smash things at random with his sturdy Nobel Prize, which he evidently carried around with him at all times, while muttering scornful remarks about someone named Susie Chang and the unfairness of problem 4 on the Quantum Mechanics midterm in '68.  HSP 





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