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Issue 10
Fall 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 28, 2021

Gay Terror Alert Updated to Perrywinkle

Oh my God I'm so scared.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to provide a new, special form of safety awareness to the nation's heterosexually handicapped, this week, the Department of Homeland Security (DOHS) announced its plans to modify the color scheme of it's daily terror alerts to, "more suitably reflect the tastes and dispositions of the nation's LGBT community". Homeland Security spokesman Trevor Darren explained, "We found that the nation's gay - may I say gay? - community wasn't responding well to the standard Orange and Red type of terror alerts. In fact, one study suggested that these folks were actually more afraid of job discrimination and social persecution than Al Quaida. Imagine that! Anyway, that's when we realized we were clearly doing something wrong."

And there stepped in exuberantly flaming, Los Angeles graphic designer, and closet Republican, Jako Mirovec. "That's a really nice pantsuit! You know I can't take my eyes off of anything with pastels. Anyway, I figured a simple spruicing up the chart would do the dirty trick, and it looks like Jako the genius was right as usual."

Since the new chromatic implementation, gay and lesbian citizens throughout the county have reported a 15-20% increase in their general level of fear, and an enhanced tendency to freak out when selecting crayons at random from a Crayola variety box. DOHS representatives also announced a partnership with several of the nation's leading advertising agencies to further to marginalize selected female and minority populations with clever, group-specific modifications to its terror alert system. Added Darren "As long as we're able to keep all our citizens, including the second class ones, under a misplaced cloud of paralyzing fear, then we're clearly doing our job."  HSP 





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