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Issue 07
Spring 2004

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

October 31, 2020
 
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Lazy Bouncer Fooled By 5 of Clubs

This guy actually let the girl in with the 5 of clubs.
NEW ORLEANS , LA - After dealing with "more girls gone wild and stupid-drunk frat boys" than he ever bargained for during this year's Mardi Gras, first year New Orleans bouncer Jake Carson, 24, has evidently become incredibly lazy in the past few months. Tulane freshmen Mandy Jacobs, 18, explained. "I came into Tipitina's already drunk, and I didn't even have my wallet with my sister's old California ID, but we had been playing drinking games back at my boyfriend's old frat since dinner, and I happened to have the deck in my purse". Added creepy boyfriend Evan Lonergan, 26, "When Mandy pulled out the 5 of clubs and waved the fucking card in front of the dude's eyes, I swear we were about to get our asses kicked, but the lazy ass motherfucker just waved us through, staring blankly into the distance." Carson himself declined further comment, mumbling something incoherent about jazz drummers as a half-finished cigarette dangled lethargically from his left middle and index fingers and a precariously gripped 40 of Abita began to slip slowly from his other remarkably lazy ass hand.  HSP 




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