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Issue 14
Fall 2007

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 28, 2021
Study: Massachusetts Has Highest Rates of Wicked Retarded

Boston, MA - A newly published study by Harvard researchers suggests that children born in Massachusetts have a 98% increased risk of being of wicked retarded compared to children in any other state. "The findings from this study are wicked surprising," explained lead researcher Catherine Conner, M.D. "We essentially found that this condition is almost entirely contained to the state of Massachusetts, with a few isolated cases observed in Rhode Island and New Hampshire."

The condition is characterized as a unique form of developmental delay, which can lead to serious but non-fatal disabilities such as impaired highway driving and general rudeness. Currently, there are no proven risk factors for the condition, though statistical models have found associations between its prevalence and consumption of Dunkin Donuts coffee. Dr. Conner and her team are optimistic that cure will be found, based on preliminary results of an ongoing randomized controlled trial which she believes are "wicked awesome."  HSP 





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