Articles     Topics     Issues     Print Issues     Stills     Archives

Issue 11
Spring 2006

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

December 09, 2023

Who's On Tap?

Only the most naïve citizens of the homeland may not realize it, but this represents a typical phone conversation in America Today! A dialogue between two men hell bent on the destruction of America, Freedom, and Our Entire Way of Life! These men are terrorists, and they use the phone lines – a system that was made in America, by Americans – people like you and me – to plan their devastating attacks! How dare they contemplate using modern technology to perform their nefarious treachery! How dare they, indeed?

But have hope, because America has their top intelligence experts on the case, secretly listening in on the terrorists in the biggest phone tapping operation since Al Gore invented the phone in 1865. Non-terrorist conversations – if there are any – will be recorded for quality assurance and comparison purposes only, explained White House sources. The operation, codename Operation Hyper-Mega-Freedom, is not as simple as it sounds, explains the project lead, Major General Smith.

“You see, terrorists are seldom up front about when they’re planning their next attack. They like to use codes, and only an international spy trained in dragon level 10 cryptography can decipher what they’re planning. For instance, if a terrorist says ‘Etslay, ombay uhte itysay allhay,’ they may not actually be speaking in gibberish. This may be a code for hijacking a city bus, and affixing a bomb to it so that it can’t drive less than 50 mph. Dastardly, I know. But these people are dangerous, and they could be anywhere and are clearly everywhere.”

Apparently, the terrorists are using much more sophisticated codes, codes so cryptic, that whole teams of top spies areunable to break them. In a motion before congress, Major General Smith, asked for $300 billion to be spent on new training and technology for code breaking, and to punctuate his request, he played a cryptic recording, surely a devious conversation by terrorists over the phone lines:

Smith stops the tape, and raises his hands to Congress. “You see the kind of masterminds we’re dealing with. We needmore funding to thwart this foe: more staff, more technology, more industrial grade lubricants and darkened offices, and most of all, more Kleenex.” Moved by his impassioned plea, Congress allotted $600 billion, twice what Smith had asked for, on the condition that Congressmen be allowed to lend their hand to the antiterrorism operation.

“For the sake of all that’s good and decent,” Smith continued,“we had better hope that we find out what terrorism cell Helga belongs to, and what heinous act is referenced by “girl-on-girl action”. For today, for tomorrow, for America!”  HSP 





Home     About       Issues        POLITICS    SCIENCE    LOCAL    ENTERTAINMENT    ARCHIVES   
Powered By

Hosted By the
Harvard Computer Society

Funded By the
Harvard Graduate Student Council

Inspired By
The Onion

Download PDFs
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License Creative Commons License

The Harvard Satyrical Press is not intended for readers under 18 years of age (Disclaimer) (c) Copyright 2023, The Harvard Satyrical Press, Some Rights Reserved