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Issue 14
Fall 2007

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

July 12, 2024
US Prepares For Invasion, Sexual Liberation of Iran

BY Karl Warwater
New York, USA - After Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's controversial speech at Columbia University in late September, I knew we had found what we were looking for. After all of our intelligence agents and spin doctors spent years without coming up with a single, plausible pretext for this next war, Mr. Ah-mad-dictator-jihad laid it for us on a platter. Now maybe it was a fluke, or some heaven sent gift of the more than likely Republican translator, but when Time Magazine's 2006 Person of the Year told the students of Columbia that, "In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country", I knew we'd have 100,000 troops in Tehran by January. Because, of course Iran has gay people. It just has a larger closet with more elaborate geometric surface decorations. And now it is our solemn duty as patriotic Americans, our divine moral imperative, to land an enormous fighting force in order to sexually liberate an oppressed populace.

Don't make the mistake of confusing this war with Iraq. This is a different war. Our presence in Iraq was based on false intelligence, specifically the supposed presence of weapons of mass destruction. I mean come on, how could Iran ever possibly develop a functional nuclear weapons program when all of their engineers are at M.I.T.? In Iran, its more like, Weapons of Destruction, My Ass, although only very few asses are being destroyed because at least ten percent of the population are afraid of obeying their natural biological drives. Similarly, large numbers of flying carpets remain unmunched, as Iranian women live in fear of lifting the Victoria's Secret veil. But we can lift that fear. Like other aspects of our American Hollywood capitalist culture, flaming faggotry will be our gift to the world. No longer will it be referred to in Iran as a Man Slut Lying With A Man or a Harem Left to its Own Devices. In Iran, homosexuality will be synonymous with tolerance, respect, and gayness, just as it is in the lesser known, but equally gay, Middle West.

Invading Iran is thus all about defending Gay rights. Rumors have even surfaced that Mary Cheney, Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter has seriously considered the position of Iranian War Tsar. "Although I have strong objections to recent previous wars which will remain unnamed," noted Ms. Cheney, "this one seems like a pretty just one on the scale of things. And you can't deny that Persian chicks are smokin' hot. Why let all that go to waste because of non-American cultural and religious norms."

With this war, we will strike a deep, penetrating, below the belt blow against the terrorists. In fact, we will confirm Al Quaida's worst fears about Western Culture, showing them that indeed, American Civilization is really all about man on man sex. And let us not forget, hot girl on girl action. This time, we must spread sexual freedom at all costs. I can't believe we screwed that up in Vietnam. It was the 60's for Sith's sake. In Iraq, we should have been less concerned with rebuilding the infrastructure we destroyed and more concerned with getting people of the same sex laid. In Iran, it will be different, as we will surely be greeted as lubricators. However, because this cause is so righteous and the Iranian people so deeply biased against modern sexuality, it may be necessary to homocritize them by force, (also known as anal rape). As made clear by America's outgoing attorney general, in a time of war, we must not ignore the power of the dark side. As true patriots, we must sometimes bend the quaint conventions of international law over a chair and really get down to business. Also, we must invade before January 2008.

Amidst the rapidly declining public confidence in the Iraq war, I have seen to it that president Bush is all for the new Iranian war plan. Addressing congress in November, while in no way controlled by me, Bush explained. "An intern of mine told me the other day that Iranian's aren't really gay Arabs. They're gay Persians. Now you might not know the difference between a dangerous Sunny-D or a deadly Shittake, but I know what the Persian threat means. Soon as I saw their 8 foot tall God Emperor, I knew I had some competition. So in the name of Jesus Christ our lord and saviour, we must not falter in our resolve. We must invade Persia and conquer the armored barbarian hordes in a real narrow passage near a sea cliff, for WE ARE SPARTA! Now congress, you're either with me or against me, but either way, we will send at least...300 of our finest warriors to do God's work. Jesus, I hope they got that many gay people at Blackwater." Talk about gays in the paramilitary!

Naturally, we will also take this opportunity simultaneously invade the well known rogue states of Irkutsk, Siam, and Yakutsk. And this time, we will not go it alone, allowing UN inspectors full authority to employ state of the art gay-dar probes, while enlisting a new contingent of esteemed, well paid allies. Soon, with the combined powers of the rainbow coalition of the willing, we will once and for all free the Middle East from the closet of terrorism.  HSP 





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