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Issue 14
Fall 2007

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

December 09, 2023
Herpes Vaccine Found To Increase Sex Appeal

Washington, DC - Research scientists at Harvard University have recently discovered that recipients of the Herpes vaccine rate higher on the sexiness scale than those who have not been vaccinated. These findings add another piece to the complex debate regarding the morals of vaccination.

1 Herpe

For years, the Family Research Council, a conservative U.S. Christian group, has contended that vaccination for sexually transmitted diseases promotes sexual promiscuity. However, many medical organizations have fervently denied this assessment, claiming that the presence of a vaccine in a person"s body does not cause them to engage in behavior they would otherwise not engage in.

Over the last 12 months, Harvard scientists have been closely monitoring the various side effects of the vaccine. The most shocking discovery was an overwhelming percentage of recipients reported sudden bursts of feeling sexy and an overall increase in sexual allure. "I only got the vaccine last summer because my mom made me," says Harvard sophomore John Yale. "But when the new school year started, I found that not only do I no longer have any Herpes, I"ve become a complete babe magnet! I can"t keep the ladies away from me." In fact, many Hollywood analysts have speculated that Justin Timberlake"s hit single "Sexy Back" is based on his personal experience with the vaccine.

Not all recipients of the vaccine have felt these side effects, however. Harvard freshman Joe Schmugly told HSP, "I got the vaccine months ago, but girls are still repulsed by me when I go to parties." Dr. Angie Vance, head scientist of the Harvard study, has a theory on why the sexy side effect does not manifest itself in a small percentage of individuals. "We think that the vaccine doesn"t necessarily add to a person"s sex appeal," says Dr. Vance. "It only enhances pre-existing features of a person"s sexiness. For example, Joe Schmugly is simply a helplessly unsexy human being. Unless he were to opt for a direct sexiness transplant, for example, by downloading his consciousness into Brad Pitt"s body, his natural ugliness is too much for even science to overcome."

Conservative Christian groups have expressed their outrage. "We"re outraged", explained FRC spokeswoman Jane Christopher. "This is what we"ve been saying all along!" We"ve always known that not having Herpes encourages teenagers to become more promiscuous. Now we have scientific proof that vaccinations causes recipients to become more sexy. What"s going to stop them from becoming complete teen whores? Another vaccine?"

Pro-vaccination organizations contend that the sexiness side effect is just more reason to get the vaccine. "Since when is being sexy such a bad thing?" asked Sally Schmally, the extremely hot spokeswoman for the Massachusetts Women"s Health Council. Already, student organizations at Harvard are using the new scientific findings to promote the vaccine at events, using the motto, "Bringing Sexy Back, Without the Beer Goggles."

Conservative groups have been spending heavily on resources to spread information on the new scientific findings as a warning to those who may be considering the vaccination. However, it seems that these efforts have only worked to increase the popularity of the vaccine. As of Monday, November 12, the line outside Harvard University Health Services has stretched all the way past ABP. "I've been camping out all week," says Harvard sophomore Cindy Lauper. "I found out from the campus preachers that this could help me become more sexy, so I got in line right away! Maybe this will help me win back my ex."

However, conservative activists like Christopher are not undeterred. "I will not lose hope in humanity. I know that soon enough, teenagers will realize that increased sex appeal is not something they want or need. I continue with my message that 'if God intended you to be ugly and Herpes-having, then homely and bathed in cold sores you should remain." In any case, sexual undesireability has never stopped anyone from becoming successful. As long as you make sure to begin life as a billionaire, you can be ugly as hell and still do anything you want, even if you have extremely bad Herpes. If that"s not the America God intended us to live in, I don't know what is."  HSP 





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