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Issue 04
July 2003

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021

Fleet: "We Now Have Enough Money."

By Jimmy D. Cash
Providence, RI -
It was on a very typical hazy New England summer afternoon when a most untypical announcement took place. Speaking from their Providence based headquarters, Betty Monroe, the spokesperson for the FleetBoston Financial Corporation, declared to an astonished gathering of reporters, businessmen, and shareholders that the management of Fleet now feels that they have enough money. Mrs. Monroe explained that the board members reached this decision unanimously last Friday, after reviewing the stellar 3rd quarter earnings report.

The FleetBoston Financial Corporation is best known for its ubiquitous Fleet bank branches spread throughout New England, charging exorbitant fees from students and young working families. "Fleet has followed the well-established path of many global conglomerates - charging unbelievably high fees on anything they possibly can, followed up by buying up any and all competition who aren't quite as profitable", stated Monroe.

Fleet Executives, Media, Not Exactly Sure What's Going On

"But now this is all about to change. As we speak, we have a team of our best lawyers involved in marathon discussions with both the Security and Exchange Commission and the Federal Banking Commission, in a concerted effort to change our business status into a non-profit organization. This process will probably take a few weeks, since it has never been done before in recorded banking history."

It turns out that there simply aren't any standard forms for doing this; we have to create them as we go along. But when we finish, it will have been all worthwhile since we'll then be able to better serve all the people who enabled the management to become so obscenely wealthy.

Old Logo

New Logo

At this point, Mrs. Monroe introduced Chandler Howard, CEO, and William Large, CFO, for a few final remarks. Howard opened, saying: "Just to prove that we mean business - no pun intended - we decided to change the colors of our logo, to better represent our new, more socialist bent."

"But far more seriously", Large chimed in, "is the issue of how we get our bloated coffers under control." Howard stepped in to explain, "You see, we now own over $200 billion in assets and we simply can't conceive of what to do with it all. It's a serious problem. The board members racked their brains all day, but the only thing they could think of, was to give it to the Oompa Loompas, from 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory'."

Oompa Loompa Doopa Dee Do, Happy To Take Those Billions From You

Individuals from the disbelieving audience started shouting to the distinguished panel: "How about curing AIDS in Africa", "or cancer research", "or S.E.T.I.". "Yes, yes", said Howard, in his most authoritative yet calming voice, "but we were looking for something original - something that hasn't been done before". "We want to think out of the box", Large said, trying to reassert his presence. "We figured that anybody who looks as silly as the Oompa Loompas probably needs the money more than we do."

"We even called up their union rep. last night", Howard interrupted again, "and asked him if they would be interested in receiving 50 billion smackeroos or so, no strings attached. And he said sure, why not, and that they would be happy to have the strings too. From the other side of the room, Mrs. Monroe quietly explained, rolling her eyeballs, "It turns out that they've been wearing the same idiotic costumes since the "Chocolate Factory" was produced, over thirty years ago. No other film was interested in them, and there was no other way for them to get new clothes in their unique size and style. So their old ones are getting quite ratty looking and could use urgent mending.

Added Monroe, "And as the great Gene Wilder himself once put it, "50 billion dollars is a lot of clothes"."  HSP 





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