Articles     Topics     Issues     Print Issues     Stills     Archives

Issue 06
Winter 2003

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 28, 2021

Rock of Crack Gets Ph.D. in Biochemistry From Harvard

For more info, check out this link on Crack
CAMBRIDGE, MA - Harvard University President Larry Summers announced this week a historic new precedent in Harvard's Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, who for the first time, granted a doctorate to a rock of crack. The rock of crack itself, asking to be called Kenny, explained. "I just wanted to understand a little bit more about myself, you know, why I get people totally high and stuff. And I figured, what better place to do that than in the biochemistry department at Harvard?"

Kenny told us that he now understands himself to be the chemical cocaine hydrochloride, a solid form of chemically processed or "freebased" cocaine, known on the street, of course, as crack. Evidently crack gets it's name from the onomatopoetic fact that it snaps and cracks when heated and smoked.

"Everybody's always joking about 'You must be smoking crack' and stuff," said Kenny, "but I bet you didn't know that stuff about where it got it's name. And also, the biochemical pathways of addiction are way interesting." Kenny concluded by telling us how proud he now was of his degree, and added that all things considered, he'd been feeling really good lately. Evidently, for some of us, it's possible to simply be high on life.  HSP 





Home     About       Issues        POLITICS    SCIENCE    LOCAL    ENTERTAINMENT    ARCHIVES   
Powered By

Hosted By the
Harvard Computer Society

Funded By the
Harvard Graduate Student Council

Inspired By
The Onion

Download PDFs
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License Creative Commons License

The Harvard Satyrical Press is not intended for readers under 18 years of age (Disclaimer) (c) Copyright 2021, The Harvard Satyrical Press, Some Rights Reserved