USA - Jimmy Cooper was one of many Americans to
discover this weekend that instead of talking to Jesus
or one of His angels during his prayers, he spoke
with Rangeet Kapoor, an employee of India Super
Call Center. The call, which was recorded for quality
monitoring purposes:
In fact, for little Jimmy, that was the first time he
had ever prayed to Jesus, after he heard from his
Daddy that Jesus was always listening, as opposed
to that lazy ass Santa dude, who only worked for one
month out of the year. For although Jimmy had frequently
wished for Santa to bring him the flashiest
new sneakers and for the swift and merciless death
of his step-brother, he didn't realize the power of
prayer for earning him salvation.
Being slightly confused, Jimmy asked his Sunday
School teacher, Jeb Jebson, for clarification. HSP
contacted Jebson for comment.
Oy, it's hard to find good, cheap, Aramaic speaking help these days.
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“Well, just this Sunday” began Jebson, “I tells those
kids that they need to be praying 'cause you just
might croak in your sleep, and if you ain't been praying
you'll be stuck in that big ol' lake of fire where
serpents gnaw unceasingly-like at your face and
there's more torture than Guantanamo. That's what
I tells them. And then they go and pray and they get
Rajiv Abdul Kapur on the other end instead of our
Lord and Saviour? All I know is that I don't need
some convenience store terrorist tellin' me what
Jesus thinks. I already know what God thinks. He
hates gays, he loves Dale Earnhart Jr. (God rest his
soul), and he sure don't like foreigners. First them
immigrants steal our jobs now they steal our God. I
can tell you right now that there will be consequences.
Plagues, locust and stuff. Jesus was born,
bred, and crucified American, and he'll be kicking
some Bollywood-dancing ass for damned sure soon
as he hears about this.”
This reaction was typical of many Americans, and
prompted a number of impassioned pleas to God.
However, both God and Jesus refused to comment on
the new policy (the holy ghost was conspicuously
absent, especially given that He has recently be
linked to Oxycontin abuse). Archangel Gabriel, the
official Messenger of God-Jesus, did provide a statement
on their behalf. “The
son of God himself did
authorize this move to help
reduce the strain on his
lordship's already busy
schedule. While the 'Big
Three' remain dedicated to
providing their flock with
the best in spiritual salvation
at the lowest cost,
recent instabilities in the empyrean economy has
made it necessary to downsize our angel prayer
answering division and outsource much of our service
to Bangalore.”
Shareholders in Christianity have been discussing
new saviours if Jesus is ultimately discredited for
authorizing the outsourcing. At the top of the list is
Tom Reilly, followed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and
then that hot redhead from the Pussycat Dolls. Only
time will tell what will happen to Christianity, but we
can be sure that who ever assumes the helm will
hate both gays and Jews with the
Passion of Christ.
HSP