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Issue 12
Fall 2006

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021

Jesus Outsources Prayer-Answering to India

USA - Jimmy Cooper was one of many Americans to discover this weekend that instead of talking to Jesus or one of His angels during his prayers, he spoke with Rangeet Kapoor, an employee of India Super Call Center. The call, which was recorded for quality monitoring purposes:

In fact, for little Jimmy, that was the first time he had ever prayed to Jesus, after he heard from his Daddy that Jesus was always listening, as opposed to that lazy ass Santa dude, who only worked for one month out of the year. For although Jimmy had frequently wished for Santa to bring him the flashiest new sneakers and for the swift and merciless death of his step-brother, he didn't realize the power of prayer for earning him salvation.

Being slightly confused, Jimmy asked his Sunday School teacher, Jeb Jebson, for clarification. HSP contacted Jebson for comment.

Oy, it's hard to find good, cheap, Aramaic speaking help these days.

“Well, just this Sunday” began Jebson, “I tells those kids that they need to be praying 'cause you just might croak in your sleep, and if you ain't been praying you'll be stuck in that big ol' lake of fire where serpents gnaw unceasingly-like at your face and there's more torture than Guantanamo. That's what I tells them. And then they go and pray and they get Rajiv Abdul Kapur on the other end instead of our Lord and Saviour? All I know is that I don't need some convenience store terrorist tellin' me what Jesus thinks. I already know what God thinks. He hates gays, he loves Dale Earnhart Jr. (God rest his soul), and he sure don't like foreigners. First them immigrants steal our jobs now they steal our God. I can tell you right now that there will be consequences. Plagues, locust and stuff. Jesus was born, bred, and crucified American, and he'll be kicking some Bollywood-dancing ass for damned sure soon as he hears about this.”

This reaction was typical of many Americans, and prompted a number of impassioned pleas to God. However, both God and Jesus refused to comment on the new policy (the holy ghost was conspicuously absent, especially given that He has recently be linked to Oxycontin abuse). Archangel Gabriel, the official Messenger of God-Jesus, did provide a statement on their behalf. “The son of God himself did authorize this move to help reduce the strain on his lordship's already busy schedule. While the 'Big Three' remain dedicated to providing their flock with the best in spiritual salvation at the lowest cost, recent instabilities in the empyrean economy has made it necessary to downsize our angel prayer answering division and outsource much of our service to Bangalore.”

Shareholders in Christianity have been discussing new saviours if Jesus is ultimately discredited for authorizing the outsourcing. At the top of the list is Tom Reilly, followed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and then that hot redhead from the Pussycat Dolls. Only time will tell what will happen to Christianity, but we can be sure that who ever assumes the helm will hate both gays and Jews with the Passion of Christ.  HSP 





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