SIOUX FALLS, SOUTH DAKOTA - Early this week, the United States found $1.7 trillion dollars under its National Mattress, located in a remote area of the Great Plains. "We didn't even think to look there," explained a relieved Henry Paulson, the US Secretary of the Treasury, who also found five tons of body hair, twelve million unmatched socks, and a copy of the 1987 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue under the massive, federal box-spring. "We just happened to pass by South Dakota on our way to the National Medicine Cabinet in Montana and were like, 'Oh shit is that trillions of dollars in cash?' Yeah it was."

Secretary Paulson is not sure when or why the money was stashed there, but was "god damned fucking relieved" to find it. "At first we felt kind of retarded for getting everyone all worried and stuff," Paulson said, sipping on a Mojito and unknotting his necktie. "But overall this is pretty sweet."

Paulson cut his interview short to meet with the Federal Reserve and Wall Street to discuss the widespread market ramifications of the discovery. "This was freakin' clutch, but do me a favor and don't tell Switzerland or China...I figure now we can borrow another cool 3.4 trill' from Swiss-Miss and C-Town and go on a killer junk-bond-sub-prime-eightball bender like we did back at G-Sachs! Trust me, bro, we're gonna tear shit up."  HSP