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Issue 13
Spring 2007

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 28, 2021
Bush Calls for Massive Troop Surge in America's Heartland

WASHINGTON, DC - In what he deems a "strategic redeployment," President Bush is calling for a massive troop surge into America's heartland. While the original "troop surge" Bush announced in 2006 was only 20,000 servicemen and women, the new proposed surge would be nearly eight times as large, and involve shifting almost 160,000 troops from their bases in Iraq to strategic locations across North America.

Bush indicates strategic direction of new troop surge

"Any time someone talks of 'bringing our troops home,' or 'deadlines for withdrawal from Iraq,' the terrorists grow stronger," Bush explained in his weekly radio address to the nation. "We need this massive surge of troops to patrol the areas where this terrorist-strengthening activity is occurring."

Bush indicated that a large portion of the redeployed troops would be assigned to patrol the areas where terrorist-emboldening speech is most likely to occur, including locations such as their homes and backyards, local parks and sporting facilities, and their former places of employment.

Tastes Like Home!

"Even the loving embraces of their spouses and children must be vigilantly patrolled for terrorist activity by our men and women in uniform," Bush said.

The new assignment promises to be a difficult one for war weary troops who have already patrolled such hotbeds of terrorist activity as Basra, Fallujah, and the dreaded "Sunni Triangle." Now they will have to face constant danger in the so-called "American Hexagon," a vast region of potential terrorist-emboldening activity extending roughly from Seattle, Washington to Augusta, Maine in the north, and from Miami, Florida through El Paso, Texas to San Diego, California in the south, forming a hexagon.

Bush warned in his address that while the war is going well, Americans must brace for the long haul and continue to make sacrifices until victory was achieved. "We must stay the course," Bush declared. "These troops must remain in the American Pentagon until the threat has been brought under control. This means at least until a new Constitution is in place and local militias have enough training to control terrorist-emboldening themselves. It may be many months, or even years, until these troops can once again return to their home bases in Iraq."

But despite the grim warning, American troops have been upbeat about the dangerous new deployment. "Well, yeah, it is a bit scary going to a new place where we can never be sure who is our enemy and who is our friend," admitted Lieutenant Brannon Brill, an officer in the US Army Reserve. "But I have faith in our leaders and I know this is what's best for America in the world. Besides it will be nice to at least have a change of scenery. And I'm totally psyched to start patrolling my family for terrorism! They were pretty mean to me in high school, so now its payback time."  HSP 





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