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Issue 13
Spring 2007

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 27, 2021
Clinton and Obama Court Black Vote with Reparations Packages

Obama and Clinton attempt to out-reparate one another.
Little Rock, Arkansas - From the pulpit of Ebeneezer Baptist Church in Little Rock, Arkansas yesterday, Sen. Hillary Clinton, (D-New York), announced a bold new strategy to attract African-American voters: the nation's first ever reparations package for the descendents of slaves.

"It is high time that we own up to the legacy of slavery," said the Senator to a mostly-black crowd. "And the first step we must take in the long road to equality is to redistribute resources in a just and equitable manner." She went on to describe a "comprehensive" reparations policy that would entitle African-Americans to a lifetime supply of Starbucks Cafe Estima Blend Fair Trade Certified coffee, a gift certificate to Sizzler, and 250 extra any-time minutes per month on the wireless plan of their choice.

Not to be outdone, Sen. Barak Obama, (D-Illinois), held his own press conference several hours later on the steps of the Washington Monument. Dismissing Clinton's plan as "mere posturing", the junior senator presented a competing reparations package that would allow each African-American to name their own star.

"There is no greater liberty than the chance to name a celestial body," Obama said, to scattered applause, adding, "It really doesn't get any better than that."

Reaction to Obama's proposal was mostly positive among the African-Americans in attendance. "I mean, I really want freedom, effective enfranchisement, and a just end to decades of second class citizenship," said Tina Woods, a librarian from Virginia, "but I guess having my own star would be just as good. I wonder if they'd do that and the Sizzler card?"

In a surprising turn of events, aides from the Clinton campaign reacted swiftly, releasing a detailed uber-reparations proposal that would allocate white indentured servants to every African-American family. The plan also suggested that the descendents of slave owners would each receive a lump of coal under their pillow for the next thirty years.

The Obama camp was not far behind in additionally proposing that black votes now be given an additional weighting factor of 5/3, to "make up for some fuzzy math back in the day." Also, in the new system, African Americans would be exempt from using electronic voting machines, so "their votes might actually be recorded", according to Obama.

"I think both candidates may be pushing the envelope," said Nancy Pelosi, House Major Leader (D-California), adding quickly: "But regardless, a reparations arms race like this is actually quite a bold and creative idea. If an escalating set of well designed bribes that create the appearance of addressing racism is what it takes to finally get a Democrat in the White House, then I totally support them."  HSP 





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