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Issue 15
Spring 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

October 31, 2020
 
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Bush Confuses Waterboarding With Bodyboarding

NORTH SHORE, HAWAII - At a recent press conference, President Bush failed to make the distinction between waterboarding, a form of torture, and bodyboarding, a relaxing water sport. His brief statement was a response to reports that the CIA had used the technique to interrogate terror suspects.

"I have heard of some people defining waterboarding as torture. This is as false as the WMDs. In fact, waterboarding is an activity that many free, law-abiding Americans enjoy. I myself had the pleasure of learning the sport on my recent trip to the country of Hawaii. However," the President added, wildly gesturing with air quotes, "if 'torture' actually refers to the wait between times one can go waterboarding, then I tend to agree. Honestly, those terrorists have it good. I should be so lucky to even have the time to go waterboarding."

"I also hear complaints that waterboarding simulates drowning. In reality, this event is rare and only occurs when the participant is a complete n00b. I assure the American people that our CIA agents — including Valerie Plame — are in top physical form, and provide safe and expert supervision during sessions with terror suspects."

"Unfortunately, I can't talk about the details in a public forum, or else the enemy will learn about our moves, and use them against us in one-on-one American troop vs. Iraqi insurgent waterboarding duels, a common terrorist method of settling heated disputes. Our much-envied waterboarding skills are an issue of national security that I simply will not compromise."

"As you know, certain members of Congress are trying to pass a law defining waterboarding as torture and making it illegal. Much like the time they shot down my proposal for mandatory Lego-playing breaks during all presidential staff meetings, the liberals are blatantly legislating against all forms of fun."

Bush concluded his speech by wishing the best of luck to the U.S. waterboarding team at the upcoming Summer Olympics in Beijing. In response, prominent glassy eyed Democrats nodded their heads, muttering something about just holding out until November. Additionally, both the U.S. Olympic Bodyboarding Team and the U.S. Olympic Torture Team issued public statements asking Bush which team he had actually intended to wish good luck to.  HSP 




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