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Issue 05
Fall 2003

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021

Silicon, Germanium File Grievance Against Arnold Schwarzenegger

By Drugs Hovercraft
Los Angeles, CA - Evidently, new California governor elect Arnold Schwarzenegger pumped so much Iron (Fe) in the 70's, 80's, and 90's that Silicon (Si) and Germanium (Ge) have filed a grievance against him for, in their words, "totally not pumping enough of them...not by a long shot".

"I mean think about it," said Silicon, "He's been at this for damn near thirty years. The least he could have done was pump us a little bit. Hell, now he's governor, and if you think I feel bad about only getting pumped once in the past century, talk to Ge-dog over there. I don't think he ever got pumped at all. I know Arnold is technically from Austria , but it wouldn't have killed him to give a little shout out to Ger-fucking-manium of all elements. It's just so sad."

When asked if this grievance applied to the first part of this recent decade, Silicon answered, "Well, truthfully, Arnie hasn't pumped much of anything recently except for Californium (Cf), for some strange reason. But thirty years of prior negligence can not be swept under the rug as quickly as those ass grabbing allegations."

Chemical colleague Xenon (Xe) chimed in. "Silicon's just pissed off because Arnold didn't grab his ass. What a pathetic element. Go join the alchemist's club. I don't care if the electronic circuit industry is currently dependent on you. Silicon should act a little more noble and admit that eventually we're just going to replace his ass with carbon nanotubes. You don't see carbon talking any shit about not getting pumped enough."

Carbon (C) declined to comment as it was busy supporting 4 bonding sites and forming the fundamental biological infrastructure for all life on Earth.

Periodic table neighbor Calcium (Ca) had this to say. "Silicon should quit crying and act like a respectable chemical element for Christ's sake. I might expect these kind of emotional outbursts from the extremely attractive, (and high maintenance, let me tell you), Fluorine (F), or from the dangerously unstable, explode-at any-moment-now, Cesium (Cs), but not from you guys. You're supposed to be professionals, upholding the laws of chemistry so the universe can function. And don't think I'm saying this just because Arnold pumped a little bit of me back in the day."

"Arnold didn't pump shit!", exclaimed Silicon, angrily. "My confused "found in milk", colleague over there is getting Mr. Freeze confused with that second tier, well known pumper of Calcium, muscle bound action "star" Dolph Lundgren, of Rocky 4 and He-Man, Masters of the Universe fame. Arnold may have had a glass of milk from time to time, but if he's been pumping Calcium since 1968, then I'm a bust of Al Sharpton made of Molybdenum (Mo). Calcium boy needs to get checked out for osteo- I'm deluding myself into thinking Arnold pumped me -porosis. He should take a supplement or something."

When asked to comment on this excessively vituperative chemical warfare, Mr. Schwarzenegger himself declined to use English words, but still proceeded to pump some Boron (B), Praseodymium (Pr), and Einsteinium (Es), evidently out of spite. Silicon and Germanium claimed to remain firm in their resolve, but their, weak ass, half hour bout of crying afterwards did nothing to strengthen their position, or their chemical composition, for that matter.

He's like sooo dead.

When the governator then announced the possibility of new legislation to remove them from the periodic table entirely, Silicon and Germanium folded, and promptly decayed into a useless mass of protons, neutrons, and electrons. Two of the protons then walked into a bar.

"That will show you!" exclaimed Arnold . "Next element that talks shit, I'll shove my fist through your nucleus and rip out your goddamned neutrons and then I'll hit you with my hovercraft!!! You'll be dead faster than I can say decaying radioactive isotope, asshole!"

"Arnie", spoke a seductive voice from somewhere before Bismuth (Bi). "I know you'd never hurt me baby. So how about some looooove." Arnold quickly softened his "How are you going to punch me after I remove your fists?" expression and replaced it with his trademark, "Austrian bodybuilder turned film star turned political leader" grin.

As suspected, Iron was then pumped for the better part of an hour. Needless to say, Maria wasn't too happy.  HSP 





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