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Issue 03
May 2003

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 25, 2021
 
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 TOP STORY MORE NEWS FROM THE ARCHIVES
John Malkovich Preemptively Installed As Puppet Dictator in Iraq
In light of recent events in the middle east, and the hastening opening of Saddam Hussein's tyrannical despot/dictator job, the United States government announced today its intentions to preemptively install John Malkovich as puppet dictator in Iraq... (more)


 COMMUNITY SPIRIT
Unexpected Angst At Area Semaphore
On a beautiful Summer Day, walking down Massachusetts Avenue, I found myself suddenly berated by a voice from an undisclosed location... (more)


Space, No Place For the Unhip
Not long ago, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was appointed a new head by the name of Sean O'Keefe... (more)


 UPDATE ON THE ENVIRONMENT
Girl Continually Hit On By Local Tree
Coming as a surprise to her friends, Harvard Graduate student Estelle Rochelle Hotel announced recently that ever since the beginning of April, she had been constantly sexually harassed, not by area construction workers, colleagues in her department, or dudes at the Porter or Harvard square T stops, but by a local tree... (more)




 STILLS


Papparazi Almost Catch Waldo With Pants Down


 


Man Runs Out of Checks, Has to Wait Six Weeks


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