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Issue 12
Fall 2006

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

June 14, 2024

Area Man Smuggles 70 Kilograms of Liquid onto Plane

By Robert Stillwater
Washington, D.C. - Following reports of a recently foiled British terror plot, where the weapon of choice was supposedly a bomb concocted out of explode-violently-when-mixed fluidic substances, the American Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has instituted a ban on all things liquid on domestic and international flights, while only recently allowing any liquids you can fit into a spacious 3 Oz. Ziploc sandwich bag. As a result, airport trash bins have become dominated by vicious female cosmetic products, insidiously filled Aquafina bottles, and always deadly unopened Snapple products, while passengers' throats and complexions have turned into something resembling three thousand year old parchment.

Unfortunately, according to a report from TSA spokesman Robert Stillwater, even these cunning measures - while exceedingly fair, clever, and constituting a reasonable, small, and patriotic sacrifice for passengers - still fall well short of comprehensive terror prevention. As a case in point, Stillwater explained how New Jersey native Elliot Rainier, a veteran fireman, father of two, and now a suspected terrorist, smuggled nearly seventy kilograms of liquids onto an American Airlines flight out of Washington National last week.

“At the TSA, we pride ourselves on using state of the art technology including biometric sensors, back-scattering X-ray machines, and stuff you can't even see on well written, artfully paced, forensic TV shows”, Stillwater explained. “However, a single man, acting alone, by himself, without even being financed by an anti-American billionaire or having an unpatriotic foreign sounding name, was able to undermine that system like a shotgun cutting through Kleenex. The level of stealth technology employed was unbelievable. We have dogs that can detect a single molecule of illicit drugs, frogs that can detect single photons, and cats that can detect even the barest smidgen of evil, but none of this was enough to detect practically a reservoir of wetness.”

As Stillwater described to HSP, Mr. Rainier's heinous smuggle list was evidently comprised of a shockingly stunning variety of liquids, silently transported onto American Airlines Flight 255, including cranberry juice, blood, Miller Lite, urea, and a whopping 65 kilograms of a deadly substance most often associated with drowning. And unlike the amateur razor blade kids and the Swiss army knife chicks of the past, Stillwater explained that Mr. Rainier - a full grown adult and former college linebacker who should know better - wasn't even trying to prove a point about the weaknesses of our security system.

“He actually claims complete ignorance of the contents he brought onto the aircraft. The nerve on this guy! I'm not going to take his word for it just because firemen are so hot right now. Does he actually expect us to accept that this veritable plethora of toxic moistness was skillfully concealed on his person without his knowledge? If you ask me, that's about as believable as not being able to find your own asshole.”

As Rainier himself noted, “Look, I put blood, sweat, and tears into my job every day, putting out fires, and saving American lives, and this is how I get treated by our government? Well, I guess Toronto is quite nice this time of year.”

When asked what the TSA planned to do in response to such an embarrassingly exposed security weakness, Stillwater noted that, despite the severity of the measure, the TSA had no choice but to raise the terror alert to aqua. He also hinted at a variety of newly broadened security measures currently in the works, including blindfolding, handcuffing, sedating, and/or cryogenically freezing all passengers during flights of more than 10 minutes or 2 hours, whichever is less. “Don't worry, we'll revive you in Tallahassee,” Stillwater assured concerned travelers.

“And although I am not at liberty to discuss the details at present, we may have to begin instituting even more extra vigilant, effective, and efficient checks for a newly identified type of passenger carrying a deadly flammable substance in their lungs, of all places. Some of it has even been known to be present in large quantities in the aircraft cabin itself, not to mention the yellow masks we discovered secretly hidden in compartments above people's seats. Obviously we will have to remove all of this from the cabin in all future flights.”

“Look people, with this kind of new breed of wacko out there, dilettantes with ninja stars in the soles of their shoes and tactical nukes stuffed up their asses are the least of our worries. I know it's hard to believe that a human being would do that to themselves, but listen people, ever since 9/11, we've lived in a post 9/11 world. There are a lot of crazy people are out there, and if we Americans have to give up a few minor conveniences to safeguard our right to transport our citizens in shaky pressurized metal tubes hurtling through the clouds at 700 miles per hour, it's a price I'm willing to pay.”  HSP 

 Top 10 Things No Longer Allowed on Planes
*snakes that are also bombs
*wet T-shirt contests
*other airplanes
*diet TAB
(exception made for DIAL hand soap)
*snack boxes
*John Malkovich, when he tries to kill a man with peanut based gun
*rocket fuel
*non Air Marshalls
*the appearance of being vigilant
*plasma, superfluids, and Bose-Einstein condensates
*food (actually, this was already banned)
*good movies (ok, this was also already banned)
*non-sedated babies
*trashy novels

*solids (pending)
*adobe huts
*gay stewards (lesbian stewardesses ok)
*cells (Eukaryotes excluded)
*arm rests
*space and time
(3 foot time bomb found on plane)
 Other News: "Fly List" to replace "No Fly List". FAA Cites Rising Paper Costs.





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