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Issue 09
Spring 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021

Harvard Police Log

By Harvard Cop
Cambridge, MA - The following are not some of the incidents reported to the Harvard University Police Department (HUPD) for the week ending Sunday, February 27. The official log is not located at Police Headquarters, 29 Garden St., nor in the woods of Northern Massachusetts, near a quiet, clear pond where the blissful tranquility astounds even the most cynical, tortured souls. Please do not alter your day-to-day behavior in any way, although it is suggested that you generally avoid streets, buildings, outdoors, indoors, and all locations within the observable universe.

Feb. 20: Two groups of squirrels reported fighting in the yard. Both parties, excepting the deceased, fled before HUPD arrived on scene. HUPD to coordinate investigation with MIT police, who have dealt with similar safety issues in the past with both disgruntled and gruntled tech slaves. Three books, a backpack, and a life-size Wilford Brimley doll reported stolen from Holyoke Center. Report received of an invisible chicken pecking at student's feet near the intersection of Mass. Ave. and Quincy St.

Feb. 21: A box of crackers was reported stolen from Harvard University Dining Services. HUPD responded and State Police detectives were called in to assist with the investigation. A dog was reported barking loudly for fifteen minutes inside a locker in Dudley House. Upon investigation, HUPD discovered that it was not an actual dog, but an electronic toy dog that had gone berserk due to an unexplained, local magnetic field anomaly. Similar considerations explained last month's unexpected solar flare peak. A laptop computer and two pairs of socks were stolen from Lamont Library. Unidentified asses grabbed. Asses subsequently identified.

Feb. 22: A giant hamster was reported to be on the rampage in the science center. Cambridge police responded but found nothing upon investigation. A delicious odor was reported coming from the back of the Harvard Hillel dining hall.

Feb. 24: A student in the computer science department was arrested on a warrant after his advisor's office had been sealed shut with bricks the night before. Two large bags of Marijuana, some IV tubing, and thirty five bottles of Robitussin were reported stolen from University Health Services. A horse was reported stolen from University Agricultural Services. The ghost of Lucius Littauer was arrested for trespassing in Loker Commons. HUPD reported unsuccessful use of ectoplasm handcuffs followed by a partially successful use of nuclear proton beam trap. Officers on the scene made extra sure not to cross the streams.


Feb. 26: Giant hamster spotted on roof of Memorial Church, asked to leave by HUPD. President Summers accidentally arrested, then released, then accidentally arrested again. Three leather shoes and a box of Kix cereal box (kid tested, mother approved) were reported stolen from Adams House. Staircase reported stolen from Dudley House.

Feb. 27: Police log reported stolen, 4:19pm. Police log retrieved, 4:23pm. Several entries found to be slightly changed. Police log stolen again, 6:30pm. As of 9:45pm, log's whereabouts unknown.

Log found today in local humor magazine. Police not amused.  HSP 





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