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Issue 16
Fall 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 28, 2021

Sarah Palin to Make First Visit to Continental United States

WASILLA, ALASKA - Yesterday, Alaskan governor and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced that she is finally ready to make her first visit to the continental United States, largely in response to the criticism that she lacks the legislative experience, policy background, and familiarity with the lower 48 contiguous American states needed to serve as Vice President. "I am very excited for my 'South American' journey," a visibly excited Palin explained to reporters outside of her Autosleeper Harmony Hightop Campervan. "Ya know sometimes the best way to prove your critics wrong is to ignore them, and I've been doin' a great job in that arena, but there also comes a point where you need to prove your country right, so I'm embarking on this whirlwind adventure to do just that [wink, wave, blink]!"

Republican campaign leaders, after keeping Palin's travel plans secret for several weeks, announced that John McCain's running mate will make several stops designed to give Palin a flavor of what day-to-day life is like on the Mainland for average non-Alaskan citizens. "Oh I know plenty of 'Joe-Six-Packs' up here in the good ole' 'A-K', but ya know I've been reading my fan mail and it makes me think: Who are 'Gary-Twelve-Packs' in Wisconsin, the 'Susie-Shot-Glasses' in Houston, and the 'Dan-the-Coke-Heads' in Columbus? I don't think I've ever met these people at the kids soccer games in Wasilla I've been attending every Saturday, Sunday, Thursday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Monday since 2002, and I would love to ask them about the issues that matter to them and how they would act as President should something very tragic but predictable happened that ended putting them in way over their heads without the darnedest clue of what to do...Also, it would be great to finally get to meet John [McCain] in person. Do you think I can call him 'John'?"

In addition to meeting working class citizens in The Lower 48, Governor Palin will take her first steps in the District of Columbia, a place where she "has heard so much about their coffee and national soccer team." McCain campaign officials said that American voters will get the perfect chance to see how much of a "Beltway Outsider" Palin really is, as she gives her skeptical take on the political corruption, the "Gotcha!" media frenzy, and the "underground-choo-choo-train" Metro system of the nation's capital.

Palin's opponents in the Democratic Party are calling her efforts "too little too late," with former President Bill Clinton adding, "I think she lacks the White House experience needed to be an effective leader in Washington...You know she would have really benefited from an internship during my administration...I would have been very open to taking her under my [wing] and showing her [the ropes]."

Other critics point out that her visit to the Continental United States still does nothing to ease concerns about her lack of foreign policy experience, although Palin points out that she has a thorough understanding of Risk, the game of global domination that was quite popular in the Palin household until actual games of risk, such as unprotected premarital sex, replaced it.

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"The first goal of my foreign policy goals would be to control the North American continent, because ya know that's how ya get the most points on your next turn. And 'cause the surge is goin' so great I would also order to have another surge mission in Kamchatka right after I turn in my cards. And I'll tell ya why: because Bin Laden and I only have two things in common, and one of them is that we are mavericks. And, let-me-tell-ya, besides maybe the northern Easternmost maritime border of Yakutsk, Kamchatka has gotta-be the Maverick capital of the world. And I should know, 'cause I can see their maverick leader from my house [wink, WINK]."

When asked about the other thing she has in common with Bin Laden, Governor Palin quickly responded, "Well gosh, Osama may be hell bent on destroying America, but even he knows evolution's a bunch of hooey!"  HSP 

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