Articles     Topics     Issues     Print Issues     Stills     Archives

Issue 12
Fall 2006

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

November 26, 2021
Stochastic Processes Professor Assigns Grades Stochastically

CAMBRIDGE, MA - MIT electrical engineering professor Dong Wong Chang used a quasi-random number generator to assign semester grades to his undergraduate students, departmental sources confirmed Monday. Citing “the immense uncertainty that characterizes the learning process,” Chang defended his use of uniformly drawn random samples, which were then converted into Gaussian-distributed course grades.

“What kind of random bullshit is this?” shouted exasperated MIT Junior John Schroeder upon learning that his assigned grade, a “D-”, had absolutely no correlation with his test performance. “You can't just give us grades arbitrarily!” he fumed.

Freshman Katie Schmaltz, having been assigned an “A,” was much more supportive of the policy, and was quick to remind her classmate that his chances of being assigned such an “abysmally low grade” were, in fact, “vanishingly small.”

Shortly after news of Chang's methods became public, he was quickly added to the Harvard College admissions committee, where he will be charged with streamlining the undergraduate admissions process.  HSP 





Home     About       Issues        POLITICS    SCIENCE    LOCAL    ENTERTAINMENT    ARCHIVES   
Powered By

Hosted By the
Harvard Computer Society

Funded By the
Harvard Graduate Student Council

Inspired By
The Onion

Download PDFs
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License Creative Commons License

The Harvard Satyrical Press is not intended for readers under 18 years of age (Disclaimer) (c) Copyright 2021, The Harvard Satyrical Press, Some Rights Reserved