Europe - In an unprecedented
statement this morning, the president
of the European
Commission, Mr. Durão Barroso
has announced that the European
Union will be applying to become
the 51st state of the US.
This move should help foster economic cooperation
and to strengthen cultural ties between the two
regions”, said Mr. Barroso in his speech to the
European Parliament. “We have known ever since
Thatcher that social democracy is doomed. The time
has come to embrace American liberalism wholeheartedly.
And, let's face it, this moment was basically
sealed as soon as the French government earmarked
20 square kilometers for EuroDisney Paris
back in 1985.
President Bush has reacted with moderate enthusiasm
to the EU application. In a short interview held
in the 5000 acre living
room of his Texas ranch
he stated: “This will mean
more troops for our attack
..., I mean protection, of
the I-rocky people.
Anyway, we won't need to
bother going through that
silly United NATO stuff
anymore. Coffee and I
don't really get along that
well anyway. My only
concern is with all those
foreign languages. Soon
someone will be chanting
the America anthem in
French! I'm not sure if they even have a word for
freedom.” After a moment of reflection, the president's
attention turned once more to the Mexican
soap opera he had been watching, in Mexican.
My life is suck.
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People from both sides of the Atlantic have
expressed mixed feelings about the prospect of the
union. In a survey published in the New York Times,
99% of Americans were reported to have said that
they would like the EU to become part of the US.
However, it was later discovered that a large number
of the interrogated believed that “EU” meant Puerto
Rico, Guam, or Hawaii. Indeed, only 11% of the surveyed
seemed to be aware of the fact that there
were other countries outside North America and a
mere 1% had already heard about a continent called
Europe.
Within the European Union, the impending unification
has given rise to great expectations. An inordinate
number of retired couples from Norway have
already bought apartments in Florida condos and
many British are now taking classes in order to learn
the American language. Others are more skeptical
about the project of joining America. Most Italians
fear an invasion of the country by Starbucks and the
Lithuanians believe that Mr. Bush will never be able
to pronounce the name of their
national language. Kazakhstan is
still so angry at Borat that they
missed the latest EU application
deadline, which sucks for them
since they could have gotten
Medicare in the new deal. The only
Europeans who seem to have
adhered without reservations to the prospect of
becoming American citizens are school children.
When interrogated about the reasons for his support
of the idea, 12-year-old Gregor Weinrich from
Germany said with a malicious
smile: “If they treat us like Puerto
Rico, school will end two weeks
earlier this year...”
![](images/issue12/097_EU_51/03_092_superbowl_coliseum.jpg) |
Regarding whether the U.S. will
now adopt the Euro, or keep it's
own weak-ass and fading fast dollar,
US Federal Reserve Chairman
Ben Bernanke told HSP, “I can
stomach the Monopoly Money if
you can. And besides, Jefferson's
head is way too big anyway”.
Bernanke further announced plans
to finally remove both the penny,
the fifty cent piece, and both the
Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea dollar coins from
circulation, to be replaced by the 1 and 2 Euro coins
which actually mean something. Nickels, dimes,
quarters and the two dollar bill will remain valid currency,
“just for shits and giggles”, explained
Bernanke.
Speculation about the name of the future superpower
has gripped the international media, with suggestions
that range from the inspiring “Union of Unions”,
to the slightly dissonant “Eumerica”, to the remarkably
progressive “United States of America”.
The international community will be
eagerly awaiting further developments in
this situation in the next few days.
HSP