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Issue 12
Fall 2006

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 28, 2021

European Union to Become 51st U.S. State

Europe - In an unprecedented statement this morning, the president of the European Commission, Mr. Durão Barroso has announced that the European Union will be applying to become the 51st state of the US.

This move should help foster economic cooperation and to strengthen cultural ties between the two regions”, said Mr. Barroso in his speech to the European Parliament. “We have known ever since Thatcher that social democracy is doomed. The time has come to embrace American liberalism wholeheartedly. And, let's face it, this moment was basically sealed as soon as the French government earmarked 20 square kilometers for EuroDisney Paris back in 1985.

President Bush has reacted with moderate enthusiasm to the EU application. In a short interview held in the 5000 acre living room of his Texas ranch he stated: “This will mean more troops for our attack ..., I mean protection, of the I-rocky people. Anyway, we won't need to bother going through that silly United NATO stuff anymore. Coffee and I don't really get along that well anyway. My only concern is with all those foreign languages. Soon someone will be chanting the America anthem in French! I'm not sure if they even have a word for freedom.” After a moment of reflection, the president's attention turned once more to the Mexican soap opera he had been watching, in Mexican.

My life is suck.

People from both sides of the Atlantic have expressed mixed feelings about the prospect of the union. In a survey published in the New York Times, 99% of Americans were reported to have said that they would like the EU to become part of the US. However, it was later discovered that a large number of the interrogated believed that “EU” meant Puerto Rico, Guam, or Hawaii. Indeed, only 11% of the surveyed seemed to be aware of the fact that there were other countries outside North America and a mere 1% had already heard about a continent called Europe.

Within the European Union, the impending unification has given rise to great expectations. An inordinate number of retired couples from Norway have already bought apartments in Florida condos and many British are now taking classes in order to learn the American language. Others are more skeptical about the project of joining America. Most Italians fear an invasion of the country by Starbucks and the Lithuanians believe that Mr. Bush will never be able to pronounce the name of their national language. Kazakhstan is still so angry at Borat that they missed the latest EU application deadline, which sucks for them since they could have gotten Medicare in the new deal. The only Europeans who seem to have adhered without reservations to the prospect of becoming American citizens are school children. When interrogated about the reasons for his support of the idea, 12-year-old Gregor Weinrich from Germany said with a malicious smile: “If they treat us like Puerto Rico, school will end two weeks earlier this year...”

Regarding whether the U.S. will now adopt the Euro, or keep it's own weak-ass and fading fast dollar, US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told HSP, “I can stomach the Monopoly Money if you can. And besides, Jefferson's head is way too big anyway”. Bernanke further announced plans to finally remove both the penny, the fifty cent piece, and both the Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea dollar coins from circulation, to be replaced by the 1 and 2 Euro coins which actually mean something. Nickels, dimes, quarters and the two dollar bill will remain valid currency, “just for shits and giggles”, explained Bernanke.

Speculation about the name of the future superpower has gripped the international media, with suggestions that range from the inspiring “Union of Unions”, to the slightly dissonant “Eumerica”, to the remarkably progressive “United States of America”.

The international community will be eagerly awaiting further developments in this situation in the next few days.  HSP 





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