Articles     Topics     Issues     Print Issues     Stills     Archives

Issue 13
Spring 2007

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021
Harvard Undergraduate Just Can't Stop Helping Others

Chen extremely ready to help others.
Cambridge, MA - Harvard College Sophomore Alison Chen just can't get enough of helping disadvantaged people in need, undergraduate sources reported Monday. "At first, I thought this was just some phase she was going through," confided Junior Laurel Baxter. "But when she started handing out pamphlets on the proper removal of blow fly larvae from tribal women's vaginas in the Amazon rainforest, I knew this was getting serious."

Lowell house sources confirmed Monday that Chen spends nearly all of her free time frolicking from one community service project to the next on her father's corporate jet, oblivious to the fact that her blabbering on about community service is irritating the living shit out of her suite mates. "Like, oh my god," said her bunk mate Denise Smith. "She acts as if none of us has ever saved a pygmy orphan from sex slavery and a tsunami simultaneously. Why doesn't she just get over it already?"

"If she were trying to get into medical school or something, that would be one thing," said her suite mate Jen Eisenstein. "But no, of course she has to do it just because it makes her 'feel good inside,' or some such bullshit. And on top of that she has to say it with that smug, self-righteous look on her face. Give me a break."

According to nursing home sources in Cambridge, undergraduates are not the only ones who find Chen's community service efforts a little over the top. "At first, we just started shoving her off on the Alzheimer's patients, hoping that they wouldn't remember her from her last visit," said area nurse Samantha Davis. "But then, even they started complaining that she was just a little too eager to come back and see them. Thank God for caller-ID. Otherwise, that little shit would be over here all the time."

"Who does she think she is, fucking Mother Theresa in Africa?" asked exasperated suite mate Dana Curtis. "I hope a great big trypanosomiasis-carrying tsetse fly from the Congo comes down and bites her right on the ass."

Chen, meanwhile, remains dissatisfied with her contributions to society, insisting that they are not significant enough. "I have only begun to help others," she allegedly said in the Widener Library yesterday. "I can't stop until I've fed every homeless person in Cambridge, donated all of my blood to science, and taught every autistic child how to love. I just can't tell you how passionate I am about making a difference in everyone's lives, starting with this weekend's AIDS walk and beach cleanup barbecue. Can I help you with those bags?" she reportedly said.

She anticipates that her current passion will occupy her at least through the fall of 2008, when her NSF graduate fellowship application is due.  HSP 





Home     About       Issues        POLITICS    SCIENCE    LOCAL    ENTERTAINMENT    ARCHIVES   
Powered By

Hosted By the
Harvard Computer Society

Funded By the
Harvard Graduate Student Council

Inspired By
The Onion

Download PDFs
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License Creative Commons License

The Harvard Satyrical Press is not intended for readers under 18 years of age (Disclaimer) (c) Copyright 2021, The Harvard Satyrical Press, Some Rights Reserved