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Issue 17
Spring 2009

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

June 14, 2024

Alex Rodriguez Accuses Michelle Obama of Steroid Use

VAIL, COLORADO - In a likely effort to deflect attention away from his own recent admission of performance enhancing drug use, Alex Rodriguez accused Michelle Obama of taking steroids in an exclusive ESPN interview last week. A-Rod's case rests largely on the following empirical observation, "Her arms are way too toned. All the ladies know it. There's just no way she could do that without help." A-Rod expanded his case by saying, "Look, we all know she helped lift the president all the way to the White House, the hopes of millions of female Americans now rest on her well-defined shoulders, and she has twice carried children for 9 months straight without even setting them down. Twice...that we know of."

Evidence Of Steroid Use?

Michelle Obama quickly responded, "Just because he's injured and can't play baseball for 6-9 weeks doesn't give him the right to make libelous claims against America's first lady. These guns were obtained legally. And if he wants, I'll display my permit right in his bad-lying, Madonna-dating, Dominican Republican face. A-Rod better start thinking about checking into more than one kind of rehab. He knows I could have a tank crush his house with a phone call, right?"

Rodriguez Admits Using Performance Enhancing Wooden Stick Since 1994

A-Rod countered, "I don't make accusations like these lightly, but for God's sake, the woman carries President Obama to bed every night... with one arm! I couldn't have even done that between 2001 and 2003." Despite Michelle's protests, President Obama agreed to pardon Rodriguez if he promises not to hit any home runs against the White Sox in 2009 and to grow out his hair a bit.

As for Rodriguez himself, he hopes to come up with something more creative for his next public humiliation, and is currently considering admitting to dating Prince William and/or snorting vampire pig hormone while practicing "Alex Rodriguez, ESPN", in front of a mirror. In a related note, a new performance enhancing drug scandal has shocked the fantasy sports world.  HSP 





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