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Issue 15
Spring 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

October 24, 2020
 
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 HEALTH AND MEDICINE RELATED ARTICLES

Obscure Diseases Lament Lack of Charity Runs

BOSTON, MA - After April's Boston Marathon, several highly underrated medical conditions came together to protest a lack of charity athletic fund-raisers, specifically long distance Pro-Am events in the 5-25K range, designed to promote public awareness of, and fund research to cure them.

"What's the matter people? You don't think curing me is a good cause?" remarked cholera, as it infected several Bangladeshi children. "I've hardly gotten any publicity since Maggie caulked the wagon and then died of me in Oregon Trail. But I sure as hell am still a formidable public health menace, especially in areas of the developing world with little or no access to clean drinking water."

"Why do stupid AIDS and breast cancer get all the good runs?" lamented lung cancer, as it continued to blacken the lower left bronchial lobe of a Saugus area man. "Although I have been unfairly stigmatized as being the patient's fault due to the now well-established causal connection between cigarette smoking and me, I still cause more deaths amongst American women than breast cancer and AIDS combined! I may not be as sexy as Big Disease, but I'm sure as hell relevant when it comes to slowly destroying your respiratory system."

"It's not as if I'm dying to have people eradicate me," explained amoebic dysentery, "I mean look at what happened to smallpox. But just for once, I'd like to get a little respect when it comes to how virulent and dangerous I am as a pathogen. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think 'Run For The Runs' could be a successful marketing slogan."

Other diseases have offered novel constructive ideas to elevate their status as medically attractive causes. Narcolepsy is promoting a nap contest, arthritis has sponsored a circumcision tournament, and TB has suggested a wheeze-off. ED has even organized a competition where chronically smiling 50-60 year old men throw footballs through a tire swing.

"Just as the Tibetans are using the Beijing Olympics as a convenient political platform," added Syphilis, "the Boston Marathon is our starting point for a pubic dialogue on how to address 21st century medical priorities through philanthropically motivated amateur athletic events. You may get Herpes, or me, if you fuck around, but when it comes to ensuring our continued medical relevance, I can assure you, our days of fucking around are over."  HSP 




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