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Issue 06
Winter 2003

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021

Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority Kicks Off New Public Relations Campaign

By T
BOSTON, MAIn an effort to spruce up public relations for the Christmas season and the New Year, and especially to explain the new fee hike, the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority (MBTA) has hired a new celebrity spokesperson who they've placed in charge of public outreach. As it was, the MBTA board of directors thought it fitting not just to hire any old famous person, but none other than Mr. T himself....Mr. T, that is. It is in this spirit that we at the MBTA are proud to bring to you T's first public statement in his new official capacity.

I pity the fool who doesn't ride the T! It's only a dollar and twenty five cents. I know it used to be a dollar and was recently subjected to a 25 percent increase, but seriously people, a quarter ain't going to kill you. Except I will, if you don't get on the fucking train. You hear me?

Why pay for car insurance and gasoline, or drive yourself in a dangerous Bostonian jungle that's been under construction since before the solar system formed out of a cloud of primordial gas and dust? Why do all that when you can have the safety and comfort of traveling in America's finest subterranean transportation system? The T ain't trashy like New York City's subways, or nonexistent, like San Diego's. The new T is just some real old fashioned New England love, comin' at you T style.

And by the way, "Eat My Cereal!". It's got sugar crunch and bold breakfast taste in addition to being fortified with B vitamins and Iron. And also, feel free to purchase a Mr. T action figure at your local toy store. Those MTBA folks told me not to put in a plug for my products, but I say fuck those corporate bastards. Anyway, I suppose I've always had major problems with authority. For example, when I was a star on the hit television series, "The A-Team", I didn't take shit from nobody. Not even my momma!

Some people maintain that I am a washed up television star, and that this new job found me in a time of desperation, but I protest! I was getting paid plenty guest hosting the New Sesame Street. Me and my boy, Letter B, we was making six figures and shit. I'm talking Bling Bling and then some. And remember that I'm the person who invented the concept of Bling Bling, if not the one who officially coined the term. I was blinging it before puff daddy stopped pee diddying in his diapers. Just ask Conan O'Brien. I was a guest on his show not more than three years ago.

Anyway, let's get back to the T. Some people have raised some complaints which I would like to address. For example, many people are annoyed at the previously mentioned fare increase. Take this letter:

Dear Mr. T. What's up with this fare increase? And did they have to do it right after Christmas? I don't know anyone who asked for "price gouging a piece of fundamental public infrastructure". That's not what I wanted for Christmas, or even Channukah for that matter...Sincerely, Ruth L. Walters, Framingham, Mass.

Well, Mrs. Walters, you know what I'd like for Christmas? GOLD! That's what I'd like, but I suppose you already knew that. But my point is, that we can't always get what we want. It's a damned shame, I know, but you're just going to have to suck it up along with all the other greater Bostonian residents who rely on the T to get to work and traverse the city.

But I'll tell you what. Just to bring a little sunshine into your life, I'll make sure that the extra twenty five cents gets put to good use. In addition to fundamental maintenance and administrative concerns, here are a few ideas that might help you get a little more excited about the new T.

We will improve the T tokens themselves. As much as I love the original gold color, you and I both know, that shit ain't gold. So I'll give you something better than gold. You'll get to see my smiling face every time you wish to locomote to a destination within the city. Merry fucking Christmas! Ruth Walters of Framingham.

And those trains. Whoever designed them must have been po' as a motherfucker. In our current society of abundant wealth, we don't need to do that shit anymore. You'll love these new trains. Finally, you get to see your tax dollars (and quarters) put to good use on something properly ostentatious.

New "Blingmobile" T Car For 2004

Anyway, I hope you ride the T. Whenever I'm in Boston, I ride it even if I don't have anywhere I'm supposed to go. In fact, I'm riding it at this very moment. All I'm saying is, get your ass on the T if you know what's good for you.

And if for some reason you don't, and instead choose some other transportation option, then obviously you are foolish and much deserving of my pity. With that, I bid you adieu and I hope you all have a lovely weekend.....T.  HSP 





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