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Issue 11
Spring 2006

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 16, 2021

How To Leave The Dorms and Live On?

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Harvard graduate student Terry Kleinschmidt recently suffered an acute nervous breakdown upon learning that he will have to leave his dorm room as of the 10th of June 2006. Terry, a G11 in Communication and Communion Sciences, is going to graduate next spring and has recently received a job offer from Columbia University. But the prospect of leaving the basement room of Child Hall where he has spent most of the last decade of his life has proved to be too much of a shock for him.

Kleinschmidt Escorted to an Undisclosed Location by Sergeants Mahoney and Copperfield, After Playing Leading Role in a Recent Community Advisory Notice.

When interviewed by HSP Terry, now convalescing, commented on how devastating the idea of living in a Columbia University subsidized 2-bedroom apartment at the heart of Manhattan has been. “What shall I do with all that space? How will I find someone else to socialize with in the bathroom or experience that familiar smell of burnt fish coming from the kitchen? And who likes New York, anyway? Everything you need is right here in Cambridge!”

However, according to Terry, the most trying privation he will have to endure will be the lack of Dudley House Cafe’s exquisite culinary creations. “Those daily pastas with this and that sauce...the automatic group of regular conversation partners just as socially dysfunctional as I am. I don’t know if I can handle making my own pasta or friends at this stage in my life.”

Anna Richards, head of the Harvard University Office for Mental Well-Being (A.K.A. the Bureau of Study Council, A.K.A. the Mental Health Center that looks just like a house) states that dorm-room-attachment related mental problems are on the rise among the graduate community.

“Terry is the 29th student we have received this academic year suffering from medium to high levels of stress because s/he will have to leave GSAS dorms,” explained Richards. She further disclosed that her office, along with Harvard Real Estate and Planning is already designing a possible way to help students in this predicament. “We are currently working on a dorm dishabituation program, so that residence hall departure will not be so abrupt. During their last two months in the GSAS Residence Halls, selected students will start by sleeping first one, then progressively more nights a week, in a large and comfortable apartment, until they feel that they are prepared to manage this new housing challenge full time.”

When questioned about this issue, Harvard University president Larry Summers said that the administration is also working on a solution for the problem. “We are planning to build a twenty seven story high concrete Gropius style ivory building in front of Widener Library, so that more graduate students can enjoy the privilege of dorm life for a longer period of time, along with direct heated skyway access to our extensive, world renowned collections. Unfortunately this construction will have to wait until my own housing plans for next year are resolved.” Area landlords, Cambridge community residents, and Harvard Ph.D. students in the humanities and social sciences all eagerly await the results of this new architectural development.  HSP 





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