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Issue 15
Spring 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

May 24, 2024

Following Eliot Spitzer Scandal, Harvard Revamps Escort Service

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In the wake of Eliot Spitzer's March resignation, Harvard University has vowed to expand and improve its own escort service. According to Harvard President Drew Faust, a long overdue overhaul of the Harvard University Campus Escort Program (HUCEP) will help avoid further embarrassment to its students, many of whom will go on to pursue high profile political careers like the erstwhile Mr. Spitzer. Efforts to promote anonymity and discretion will be redoubled, and the quality of the service itself will be subject to additional oversight by a committee of deans and faculty members intimately familiar with the ins and outs of a top tier escort service.

Prostitute Resigns, Admits Sex With Governor

"While HUCEP has been discreetly servicing budding Harvard politicians like Eliot Spitzer since 1636," explained Faust, "I must acknowledge that many of its current services are inadequate and outdated. While my predecessor made some inroads towards improving the gender balance of our escort program, and solicited an improved body of top international talent to walk the historic streets of Cambridge, a full revamping of the program is an unfinished task that I will be making a top priority going forward." Despite the many escort options available to any student through only a single anonymous phone call to HUCEP, many individuals feel more comfortable letting their significant others fulfill the escorting responsibilities. Some students even attempt to satisfy their escort needs almost exclusively alone. "Going it solo may seem like the only option to many of our students, especially graduate students," explained Faust, "but if a young Harvard scholar wants to feel safe, secure, and satisfied anywhere on campus, it makes no sense to use anyone other than professional escorts to accompany them back to their bedroom."

While HUCEP prides itself on being discreet, as an unintended side effect, many students are wholly unfamiliar with its plethora of elite services. As such, Faust emphasized the importance of better advertising the service around campus. "Given that we have some of the classiest, best educated escorts in all of Western Civilization, many of whom are our very own home grown Harvard products," remarked Faust, "it's unfortunate how few of our students take advantage of the program, which is available to both men and women." Indeed, students completely unaware of the existence of HUCEP may end up using less reputable escort services, running the future risk of brutal public scandalization at the whim of a rogue escort. In addition to his regular HUCEP use, Spitzer, an alumnus of Harvard Law School, was also widely known to frequent non-HUCEP escort services up to 8 times a week during his time in Cambridge, a trend he continued well into his tenure as Governor of New York.

"As much as I appreciated Eliot's support while he was governor," explained New York Senator Hillary Clinton, "if you ask me, he got what he deserved for using a non-HUCEP service. We all know the Emperor's Club VIP ring never had a good handle on their bitches, who keep mouthing off at all the wrong times. I mean, for Bill and Pete's sake, Kristin wasn't even licensed by the New York State Escorts Guild! Personally, I've never seen a sex scandal this politically divisive, especially one involving such a blatant example of adulterous infidelity from a prominent, married politician who I was close to."

After Spitzer's resignation, he was swiftly replaced by Lt. Governor David Paterson, the first legally blind Governor in U.S. History. While Paterson's superdelegate vote was originally pledged to Clinton, many in the blogosphere are predicting he may switch to Obama, as they are both African-American. Despite these rumors, Senator Clinton remains nonplussed. "More than anyone I know in the Democratic Party," remarked Mrs. Clinton, "David Paterson doesn't see race."

The Spitzer case illustrates how amazingly fast one's political star can fall, according to James A. Leach, director of the Harvard Kennedy School of Government's Institute of Politics. As Leach informed HSP, "Only a handful of days before Emperor'sClubProstitutionRingGate, Mr. Spitzer was at the top of his game during his appearance on the Colbert Report, where he explained what it was like to be a superdelegate. It just goes to show you that even superdelegates can lose their powers in a heartbeat if they make the mistake of falling in love with extremely expensive whores instead of just giving them the Colbert bump like a real man. Spitzer was practically asking to get blindsided by his young, nubile, vixen-mistress. My only hope is that, by improving HUCEP, we can work to make sure this never happens to future Harvard alumni, especially aspiring global leaders from the Kennedy School."

"Indeed, the Spitzer scandal underscores just how much we need to take the revamping of HUCEP seriously," continued Faust. "If we don't want JohnstonGate to turn into just another FuckGate, at the very least, we must match the quality of escort services at the other Ivy League institutions."

While Harvard students can only reserve escorts by phone, Princeton is known to have a streamlined online reservation process, similar to the successful Netfuxxx business model (see this article), which had not yet been implemented when Spitzer was an undergrad there. Brown and UPenn also have secure and professional escort websites, modeled closer to the BLOCKBUSTIER paradigm, as escorts can be conveniently returned directly to an on campus brothel the following morning, with NO LATE FEES! At Harvard, students can't even term bill their HUCEP uses, and often have to fill out tedious paper forms the morning after. Many Harvard students also balk at the hefty $5,000 per use price tag, citing Yale and Columbia's much more generous escort financial aid packages. Dartmouth's escort service is known to be so discreet that its existence was only recently inferred by MIT scientists who used detailed observations from the now defunct Spitzer space telescope to prove that there is absolutely nothing else to do in Hanover, New Hampshire. Lead scientist Max Darkmark also used the data to discover a nascent prostitution ring around a young stellar object, the subject of recent Nature article.

Another much cited problem with HUCEP has been the frequent inability of its escorts to fulfill their responsibilities, despite the lucrative $5,000 nightly fee, which is split 50/50 between HUCEP and the escort. A major issue is the structure of the system, explained Harvard cognitive psychologist Stephen Pinker, chair of the new HUCEP restructuring committee. "If a man solicits a female escort, for example, he is responsible for paying for dinner, but at the end of the night, she gets to decide whether to actually escort him home. With a ridiculous set up like this, you often get a girl squeezing out ten nookie-free dinners before HUCEP wisely gives them the pink slip. Despite the seemingly unturndownable lure of a $2,500 payoff, this is exactly this kind of inefficiency that has plagued the program for years."

Similar problems have been reported with male escorts, who often only escort female students for a couple of minutes, not nearly enough time for the girl to get to the place she really needs to get to. Mandy Goldbergstein-Huntington III, '09, a frequent HUCEP user, complained to HSP, "These guys are nice and all, but for a third of my weekly allowance, I expect them to make a bigger effort to go down on my behalf anywhere I need in the middle of the night. Sometimes, they treat it so casually, just like taking you from point A to point B. And when its done, they usually split at the first opportunity, provided that they haven't fallen asleep before I'm even 'there' yet."

Faust agrees. "If our highly expensive escorts can't satisfy you, don't even put out, or, god forbid, won't allow you to snort coke off of their private parts at your pleasure, then our students are clearly being exposed to a disservice. Indeed, if the Eliot Spitzer scandal has taught us anything, it's that Harvard students deserve the very best escort service we can offer, at more reasonable prices, without any of the inconvenient political repercussions. While I am optimistic about the future of HUCEP, I must admit that in its current state, the quality of our services is frankly scandalous."  HSP 






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