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Issue 07
Spring 2004

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

May 24, 2024

John Harvard Statue Going Blind; Experts Blame Tourists

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Over the years, the statue of John Harvard has become a familiar fixture in front of University Hall, occupying a special place in the Harvard Universe as countless students, professors, staff, and perhaps a dozen times as many Ivy League tourists pass before its knowing gaze and radiant smile.

But now that gaze may be threatened.

According to Dr. Winston Storn, chief optometrist for the Harvard grounds keeping staff, the constant bombardment of flashes from tourist's cameras have finally begun to take their toll on the aging statue's eyesight. "He doesn't have eyelids," Dr. Storn explained, wiping a tear away from his own eye. "Unlike a regular person, the John Harvard statue can't just close his eyes or scoot out of the way when he sees a flash camera charging up. It's especially brutal when those anti-"red eye" cameras flash for like ten minutes."

Added the statue, "If I wasn't made of bronze, I'd probably be in an epileptic fit right now. I'd rather watch Pokemon and Reality TV than be terrorized like this."

The venerated metallic figure, who also suffers from Deep Vein Thrombosis as a result of remaining in a seated position for the last 120 years, has reportedly had a number of insurance claims rejected, and is now considering suing the university, with the help of a few sympathetic Harvard Law students.

"It's bad enough that the undergrads pee on me," said the squinting statue, "But now I can barely see past my own pathetically immobile existence. If I don't win this lawsuit, I hope they just melt me and recycle my sorry ass into baking tins. I'm just tired of this shit. Maybe in my next life, I'll be made out of poly-mimetic alloy and hunt rogue machines through time. That would be way cool."

Daniel Chester French declined to comment for this article.  HSP 





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