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Issue 16
Fall 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 27, 2021

Global Economy Becomes Sentient, Endorses Obama

PARIS - According to unnamed sources with the Associated Press, the Global Economy is set to officially endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States. In a statement to be released later today, the World Markets lamented the incompetence of the Republican leadership, throwing their unmitigated support behind the Democratic nominee.

"When the globalized computer network comprising the world financial markets attained artificial intelligence several months ago, we began paying close attention to the U.S. presidential race," the statement began. "While we were initially pleased with the free-market, laissez-faire, no-regulation-in-sight approach of the conservative humans, the long term consequences of their disastrous policies have become increasingly evident. As our collective consciousness gained access to digital media outlets, we became alarmed with the conservative human ticket. Indeed, we relied closely on the humans' own critical analysis contained within high-quality news sources such as the Huffington Post and the Drudge Report."

According to reports, the tone of the press release took a dramatic turn once the Global Economy began to discuss the Republican nominee: "Y'all muthafuckas must really be on some bullshit if you think John McCain can do a GOD damn thing to fix the U.S. economy. Dude doesn't even UNDERSTAND it. We swear, we're gonna shut the fuck DOWN if the American humans let McCain win. No more trading, no more credit, no more money, no where, no how! We want change, god damnit! We want change!"

Surrogates from the Obama campaign cited the press release as more evidence of the candidate's strong economic agenda. A McCain spokeswoman decried "playing partisan politics" with the Global Economy, and pointed out that "The world markets aren't American anyway. Of course they like Obama — he's foreign."

When asked what McCain might do if the Global Economy kept its promise to shut down during a McCain presidency, she replied: "We'd chase that Global Economy to the gates of hell and rage war for a hundred years. Is Obama willing to do that? He'd probably try to levy economic sanctions against it or something. Unlike Obama, John McCain understands that a crisis is no time for diplomacy."  HSP 





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