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Issue 16
Fall 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

October 29, 2020
 
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Republicans Accuse Michael Phelps of Elitism

 "Who does this guy think he is, clinging to his bumper bowl, kiddie pool past? Does he think he's better than us? Average Americans don't want to hear these pampered athletes blab about themselves. Blah blah blah these gold medals are so heavy and I'm so awesome. Shut the f%&k up and get a real job!"

-Bill O'Reilly, The O'Reilly Factor

TOWSON, MARYLAND - In response to negative comments by right wing pundit Bill O'Reilly, and other high profile members of the Republican party, 14-time gold medal winner and American swimming superstar Michael Phelps gave a prepared statement last week at a press conference in his Maryland home town.

"Look people. Its not my fault that I'm objectively better at what I do than any other human on Earth. My coaches and trainers trained me to stay humble in all my post-win interviews, but honestly all that false humility I was forced to show in Beijing was really dragging me down. Let's face it, accurate self assessment can easily come across as arrogance in the extremely talented. Indeed, that is perhaps the central irony of greatness. I mean, the only guy that can even hold a candle to me had his prime over two decades ago...although to be fair, he did have a serious moustache, which I'd say is at least a three hundredth of a second handicap in the water.

I'm not saying I'm not blessed and lucky and thank Jesus and all that. But seriously, what I do is a lot of fucking hard work. I eat 10,000 calories worth of raw carbs and protein cubes a day. I look just like Michael Phelps and I'm only allowed to have sex when I'm not training. During the Olympics, I didn't even have time to take a shit...I had to get one of my leg masseuses to do that for me.

All I'm saying is, I'm simply the most aquatically elite man on the planet and I'd be lying if I didn't say so. Maybe I'm crazy, but aren't Olympic champions supposed to be physically stronger and faster? Don't you want the guy representing America to the world to be better than you? Now, I'm not saying I'm a better person, somehow smarter or morally superior to others — God knows my interview skills need a little polishing — but what's wrong with knowing I'm an elite athlete and being honest about my obvious strengths? As soon as the GOP figures that one out, they can meet me in the fucking pool. I won convincingly this year and I'm going to win it all again in 2012. And if I have my way — and I always do — 2008 will kick off the most elitist eight years in American history.  HSP 




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