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Issue 09
Spring 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021

Terrorist's Demands Getting Ridiculous

Beslan, Chechnya -Note found outside Russian school.

"325 children, 27 adult teaching staff hostages to be released pending the following conditions. I demand a fully fueled helicopter, diplomatic immunity in all nations, and a secure wireless connection. I further demand hard currency consisting of one and a quarter million Swiss Francs, a harem of pleasure girls, and that one new game on Play Station 2 with the car racing. I demand J. Lo. I demand 10 cheeseburgers every day for the rest of my life. I demand no onions. I demand that they change the U.S. $20 bill back to the old design. I demand Play-Doh, lots of it, and a nuclear submarine for my cousin Viktor and his band of mercenary pseudo-nationalists after they are released from your top security prison-island north of the Arctic circle. I demand that string theorists finally figure out a way to test their theory via experiment, and that SETI immediately detect comprehensible signals from a nearby, advanced, extra-terrestrial civilization. And finally, in conclusion, I demand world peace, brotherly love, and good will towards all humankind. If these demands are met, precisely, without trickery, within the hour, I swear solemnly on the graves of my honored ancestors that no one will be hurt."  HSP 





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