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Issue 06
Winter 2003

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 16, 2021

We Got Him!

By Conrad W. Conspiracy
Fallujah, Iraq - Citing the long awaited, recent capture of former Iraqi dictator/despot Saddam Hussein, evidently millions of Americans all the way from Tacoma to Talahasee partied in mid December 2003 like there was no tomorrow.

"I haven't had this much fun since New Years 2000 in Rio De Janeiro ", explained San Diego State Senior Kim Collins. "We were taking rum body shots with I swear like ten thousand hot Brazilian boys, and before we knew it, we were running naked through the streets, playing capoeira on the beach, and then coconut football with Ronaldo and 3 members of 'N Sync who also knew where the part was at. But I'll tell you, compared to last night's "We Got Saddam, party", Brazil was like going to church on Monday."

"Last night was so wild," added Michigan State junior Zach Stromberg, "I drank probably 3 liters of Budweiser, and my buddy Chad drank like probably four, but we we're all sweating so much on the dance floor with these hot Swedish exchange chicks from U Mich, that neither of us took a piss the whole fucking night. I mean Jesus H Christ, I was proud to be an American. Way to go get Saddam, troops. You got like everybody here laid last night!"

After the collective hangovers of perhaps a full two thirds of America 's alcohol consuming population wore off, however, some people began to ask some questions, all in the name of honest patriotic fun, of course.

Omaha bank teller Cindy Barrington wondered, "Is it just me, or is there something slightly suspicious about the proximity of Hussein's capture to George Bush's 2004 election bid? I'm probably just being paranoid, but they did capture Saddam so easily, it was basically like stealing fallen leaves from a giraffe. It's almost like they like totally knew where he was all along and were just waiting for the right moment, but maybe I'm just being a little too conspiratorial. I also need some coffee."

Added Honolulo surf instructor Jake Kano, "And maybe it's just me, but the place they found him in, along with his disheveled appearance, subsequent oral examination, and his deafening silence on that television video did seem like it might have sort of been calculated to maximize the appearance of his weakness and humiliation before a global audience, enhancing the sure rise in Bush's approval rating. But that's just my opinion. I voted for Gore, so what do I know about politics?"

"And why did they make it a point to shave his beard off?" inquired Pensacola math teacher Brian Anderton. "It sort of looked like they were going a little out of their way to diminish and dehumanize him, you know, civilizing the barbarian warlord and all, but maybe they were they just being really thorough in their search for weapons of mass destruction. Hell, there are plenty of bioweapons that could fit inside of a beard that big. However, I don't think a critical mass of weapons grade plutonium would have fit, but I haven't done physics in years. I'll go ask my friend Kylie who works for NASA. She'll totally know."

Other questions were raised about the legal and ethical conundrum of what to do with the former tyrant now that we like totally captured his ass.

When asked if they would allow Saddam to actually speak in real time at this fair, balanced, unbiased trial, President Bush remarked. "I don't know if that would be prudential at this point, seeing that most Americans who'll be watching don't even speak Iraqi."

San Francisco based journalist Nader Hakim had this to say. "I know the President and others are saying we need to try Saddam in Iraq , since this is an Iraqi problem that they deserve to settle, but here's a suggestion I came up with while I was taking a shit after I heard the news on the radio. Why not try him in the Hague , with the full legitimacy of international law in the court of world opinion, rather than what would likely be a secret, at best heavily edited "trial" in a military occupied nation where the tribunal itself would probably be run not by Iraqis, but completely by the people that captured the man? I don't doubt that this guy is a horse's ass, but I kind of would like to see what he has to say for himself before we lay down a permanent can of judicial whupass on him."

Not really buying Bush's response, Atlanta programmer Lanisha Watkins put her hands on her hips and spoke her own damned mind. "They won't let that mad man say a word. That's about as likely as Chris Rock winning the Republican nomination for President. Now I don't have to be a political science genius to know that, if they put Saddam's Iraqi ass on the stand, he might just possibly say something about those crimes of his during all those years Daddy Bush and Reagan supported him. You know, things like how the weapons of mass destruction he used against "his own people" the Kurds took place with the full support of The United States of A-fucking-merica. And you can tell John Ashcroft and Bush that they can shove the Patriot Act up their white ass asses, along with the receipts for the chemical and conventional weapons our damned corporations sold Saddam in the past two decades. If free speech and dissent is as patriotic as I think it is, according to my calculations, I got so much patriotism right now, I make Patrick Henry look like a god damned communist. Give me liberty, or give me a piece of land in Khazakstan. They ain't never gonna let that man say shit on live TV!"

"And what's this shit about how now we'll be able to find weapons of mass destruction?" Asked New York City third grader Kenny Eisman. "Yeah, I get the idea that Saddam might have some information on the subject, but if the U.N. inspectors and hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops haven't found them by now when it would have made Bush look really good, maybe, just maybe, they don't exist. I have to tell you that me and Susie Patterson talked about this after coloring class, and we kind of decided that if we do "find" some of these WMD's in the next month or two, maybe the paint on them will still be drying, if you catch my drift."

Ms. Patterson was also not shy about chiming in. "If you'll excuse us, Kenny and I have some Play-Dough waiting to be formed into objects of our choice. Sculpture is so liberating, and speaking of liberation, it is quite heartwarming that the Iraqi people will now get to really feel that warm feeling of liberation, now that we finally found that bastard and ended his rule for sure now, since there was so much danger that he would suddenly rise again to power without the 100,000 plus occupying force noticing. And infrastructure schminfrastructure, going back to nature without running water, food, and electricity for a few months to a year can also be liberating. Just ask that L. Paul Bremer Guy. I wonder what that L. stands for?"

Said Las Vegas bookie, Johnny "Nails" Kazinsky. "Since I'm a betting man by nature, let me make a little prediction, see. Come April or May, the United States military will "find" Osama Bin Laden, Bush's approval rating will skyrocket to 212 percent, and he'll get be slated to get reelected in a land slide so big, it's almost like a fast version of millions of years of continental drift. However, I also got even money on Dennis Kucinich winning the Democratic nomination thanks to overwhelming grass roots support in the primaries, then kicking Bush's ass so unexpectedly that Bush might start yelling about how he isn't actually from Texas. As you can see, I like to keep my bases covered."

Saddam himself could not be reached for comment. However, several other major dictators who are currently supported by the US said they were sorry for any bad things they had done and would try not to do them again.

Added an unspecified dictator from an undisclosed location, on the condition of anonymity, "I don't have to be Einstein to know that America would drop me faster than acid if they finally realized it was in their interests, so I get the idea that I have to be extra careful now, or else in a few years it could be me in that spider hole possibly getting more than my potential beard shaved off. Oh how fickle American can be. I guess I'll just have to stay one step ahead of them. Anyway, I have to go. My friends in my CIA installed administration are throwing this crazy party. I hear there'll be even more orgies and opium than last Christmas. Although Saddam's capture does leave a sour taste for us currently fashionable dictators, at least for tonight, I have to thank Jesus and admit that I'm pretty happy we got him. Forget the fight against evil. Bring on the harems and hash. Daddy's coming."

In a rush to get to the party, Dictator X accidentally dropped his wallet and driver's license. It was too late to chase after the man and return his stuff, but we figured it wouldn't be too hard to drop it off at home. UPS does deliver to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue , right?  HSP 





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