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Issue 17
Spring 2009

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

May 24, 2024

Massachusetts Decriminalizes Crime

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In November 2008, Massachusetts residents voted 2 to 1 to decriminalize the possession of small amounts of marijuana. Capitalizing on the success of that measure, state legislators voted today to decriminalize small amounts of everything else illegal. Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick spearheaded the move and hailed it as "pure common sense, especially with the strained police budget." The measure includes the following allowances:

Prostitution: Sexual congress with a prostitute is allowed if it lasts less than 4 minutes, costs less than $20, or is done with no eye contact. Governor Patrick explained, "Elliot Spitzer just wasn't thinking. If he had gone with an inexpensive hooker, spent less time chatting her up, and done so 18 months later in Massachusetts, he'd still be in office".

Shoplifting: Stealing is okay as long as the item is worth less than $10, can fit comfortably in a 3 oz. Ziploc bag, or is stolen by children. "It can be tough to be a kid these days. Why not give them a leg up by making the latest in small electronics, DVDs, and snacks freely available to our youth."

Murder: Given that clinical death only results after 30 minutes of respiratory cessation and lack of blood circulation, killing someone is allowable as long as they are resuscitated before then. "We've all seen those shows where you think someone is dead but comes back to life in a coughing fit after about 15 seconds of CPR. It's basically a catnap."

Spousal Abuse: Turning back the clock, now spouses can hit each other as long as it draws less than 3 oz. of blood. Women, because of their smaller physical stature, are also allowed to use tools, including but not limited to hammers, screwdrivers and pneumatic nail guns. "Let's be honest," Patrick said, "Sometimes the people we love really get on our nerves. And nothing solves that like a nice smack on the head with a desk lamp."

Overall, the move will save the state millions of dollars, but it does have its opponents. One elderly woman speaking for the Christian right said, "First they made blacks legal, then gays, and now all this? What's our society coming to?" In response, this reporter bitch-slapped the bigoted old woman, but not hard enough for it to be illegal.  HSP 





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