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Issue 12
Fall 2006

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021
I will be the one to end poverty

Angelina Jolie
No, in fact, it is I who will end poverty

Jeffrey Sachs

Angelina Jolie: I'm an extremely hot Oscar Nominee.

A.J. I have personally hugged or posed in photos with over fifteen thousand actual poor people in the last month alone.

A.J. I'm unbelievably hot. I inspire X-rated video games and I even made pregnant look fuckable.

A.J. At this rate, I will have adopted all of Africa by next Thursday.

A.J. My book has way more poor people on its cover than yours.

A.J. I have help from Brad Pitt. If he could end a relationship with Jennifer Aniston, then he sure as hell can help me figure out how to end poverty.

Jeffrey Sachs: I'm an extremely intelligent economist.

J.S. I've dedicated a lifetime of academic research to the topic and seriously, I'm the smartest person I know.

J.S. If you must know, my wife and I have a fantastic sex life.

J.S. I'm literally, quite possibly the smartest man alive. Ever.

J.S. The foreward to my book was written by Bono!


A.J. With the finiancial success of my book, I'm ending poverty one person at a time. Also Bill Clinton owes me one hundred trillion dollars. That ought to be enough.





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