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Issue 09
Spring 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

December 09, 2023

Bill Gates Arrested on Charges of Sexual Assault

By Lou Logic
Redmond, Washington -In a move that shocked residents of the town of Redmond, Washington, early last night an elite, multi-pronged SWAT team approaching from land, sea, and air descended on Bill Gates' house and arrested him on charges of sexual assault.

Gates, who was dragged from his house in shackles clearly designed by Apple, remained smug and defiant, "I've been screwing people in the ass ever since DOS came out, and now they're telling me it's illegal! Just because I took out the middle man and went directly to people's houses to personally violate them shouldn't make any difference."

A neighbour of Gates' said that he couldn't believe the charges, "I mean, yeah, I hate Microsoft too - but Bill - he always seemed like a quiet guy who kept to himself. He seemed like any other multi-multi-billionaire. Some days I'd see a servant out in the driveway, waxing one of Bill's 14 aircraft carriers, and I'd ask him how Bill was doing, and the guy would always say "fine." How do you go from "fine" to sexually assaulting people?"

"Kiss my 30 to 100 billion dollar ass"

Linda Murchison - the woman who turned Gates in - was slated to be his next victim. "He just turned up at my door, and said that he was a computer repair man who needed to check up on Windows XP. I let him in because he seemed harmless, but then he started saying that he knew I pirated Windows and he'd need to get some "compensation" for not turning me in. I got suspicious right there, because I paid for and registered Windows; so I kept my pants on and phoned the cops."

The detective in charge of the case said that they were fortunate. "How many people in America do you think actually own a valid copy of Windows? Six? Seven? And Gates had the balls to try to do his dirty business in the house of only woman registered in the database. It's just plain lucky we got him. It wasn't the brains on our end, that's for sure. The Sultan of Crash got sloppy."

Of course, HSP is an independent news magazine and strives for balanced coverage of important issues, so we collected a source who claimed he only had good things to say about Gates - Steve Jobs: "Why that no good lying sack of shit. It's about time they busted his plagiarizing, monopolizing ass! I'm thinking of committing a pathetic, easily discovered, white collar crime just so I can go to jail and break off a cafeteria tray in his..."

Despite wide based enmity against him, Gates was unfazed. "What? You think I'm scared of prison? I've been enslaving humans in a world defined by a crash happy operating system, inflexible software, and annoying automatic updates since the early eighties. And besides that, I own prison! You know how many cartons of cigarettes you can buy for $100 billion? No, me neither, but I bet it's a fuckload!"

Apparently the Department of Corrections had different ideas, and in preparation for Gates' arrival at an undisclosed ninth degree maximum security fortress, they've been systematically starving inmates and beating them with effigies of the erstwhile hypocritical philanthropist. When the warden was asked if it was likely that Gates would be immediately torn apart as if ravaged by a pack of rabid hyenas, he declined to comment and continued watching the first half of the Shawshank Redemption, leaving the beginning of the DVD on repeat.

Only time will tell if Gates makes it through to trial, but analysts predict that competitors including Macintosh and Mozilla Firefox will do their best to take advantage of Gates' absence. Added Mozilla spokesman Bob Doors, "Firefox 1.1 is so going to beat the living shit out of Internet Explorer 7. It will be like Mike Tyson in his prime against Michael Jackson after his crime. Take that Big Brother."

Insult to injury was added by a single laptop left in Gates' cell that crashed every time he attempted to use a keyboard shortcut and the confiscation of a 10 foot Ethernet cable that Gates had tied into some sort of oversized fishing knot. Despite his original bravado, three weeks into his incarceration, Gates' cell walls were seen peppered with ones and zeroes scrawled in his own blood, most likely counting the days in binary.  HSP 





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