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Issue 14
Fall 2007

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

April 08, 2020
 
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Invisible Monkey Throws Visible Poop

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In yet another apparent example of an invisible animal causing problems at the National Zoo, several zookeepers reported being hit in the face by a "brownish, poop-like substance" which was later determined to be fecal matter.

President Bush addressed the issue in a speech to the National Zookeepers Union, saying "War, war, war, more war, more war, and then more war, monkey poop, war, Iran, war, Iraq, war, Syria, war, war, war, war, war, war."

When Mortimer Zoostein, director of animal acquisition first introduced the idea of having invisible animals at the zoo, many people were skeptical, including Reginald Animalsmith, President Bush's hand-picked Invisible Animal Czar. Animalsmith, who agreed to speak with a reporter by telephone about this latest incident said that although he was reluctant to grant the necessary permits to the zoo when they first applied for them a year ago, he now believed the invisible animals could have a high-profile place at the zoo. "What you have to understand about invisible animals," the Yale graduate said, "is that they are very difficult to see."

"I don't think we should rush and blame the invisible animals for this — why it could have been anything, or anyone for that matter, throwing poop at the zookeepers," Zoostein noted, "just last week we caught a couple of teenagers throwing plastic bags full of urine at the antelopes. This is a crazy place. Anything can happen here."  HSP 




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