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Issue 16
Fall 2008

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 16, 2021

Thompson, If You Don't Get Busy Around Here Soon, I'm Outsourcing Your Job to China

William T. Sterling, Jr. IV, Esq., CEO - the Hartford Corporation
Hartford, Connecticut - Thompson, it's time the two of us had a serious talk. Hold it there, Vicky, that's enough sugar. More cream, though. That's good, baby — bring it here. Mmmmmmm. Now then, what was I saying? Oh, Thompson — shut the door. Sit down, Thompson, I just got back from China — and I've been reviewing your job performance.

Here in your file it says that — holy Jesus God Thompson. It says that we're paying you — I can't even fucking believe this — not dozens, not hundreds, but thousands of dollars a year. Thousands of fucking bucks. Twenty thousand miserably wasted fucking dollar bills. Every single year. Thompson, who in the fuck do you think you are?

By the way, have you ever seen the inside of a Chinese sweatshop?

On page two it says...wait a minute. It says here that you only work — are you fucking kidding me? — only 50 hours a week! Whoa, don't get carried away! Do you have any idea how many hours are in even a single day? Oh, and this is rich. It says you get "benefits." You sure do! You get — what's this? — paid vacation, and a retirement plan, and...what in the hell? It says here that we're paying for your goddamned health insurance! Not just while you're here working, but even when you're sleeping. Jesus Christ, Thompson, no wonder our stock value is so low!

When I Outsource Your Job, I Can Guarantee You Will Not Be Working in the Luxurious Confines of the Pearl Tower

Incidentally, Thompson, how is your Mandarin these days?

Oh wait. And what is it that you do exactly? Ah. Really? Yes, yes...Got it! You slide a metal bolt into place for the next guy to screw in, or whatever. Ha! And how many of these bolts do you screw in each day? Or slide into place. Look Thompson, we at the Hartford Corporation expect more from you than just screwing in some stupid little bolt. We expect a work ethic that — how shall I put this? — transcends the traditional paradigm for a US worker. What we're looking for intangible — but we know it when we see it. And, well, we've just been so impressed by the work ethic of each and every candidate we've interviewed in China.

Ever thought of moving to China, Thompson?

Look here, Thompson. You're going to have to do a lot better than this to convince me that you should keep your job here. I'm a reasonable man. All I ask is that you produce the same results as an army of 400 Chinese workers.

More Specifically, I Will Be Outsourcing Your Job Somewhere in the Shaded Region

Fair's fair, Thompson, and I'm rapidly losing my patience with you. Never mind the fact that you are so demanding as to require the same salary as all four hundred of them combined! Holy fuck, Thompson! Just where did you get the idea that you were so indispensable anyway?

Thompson, are you writing this down?

Stop crying, Thompson. It's my responsibility to our shareholders. Think of them, think of their children. I'm just doing what any other reasonable person would do. Outsourcing? I don't really think of it that way... it's more of a way to diversify our work force. And our portfolios.

Oh, what is it, Vicky? My masseuse has arrived? Well, Thompson, we'd better wrap this up. You have 90 days to prove to me that you are a lean, mean, Chinese horde-beating machine. Otherwise...I regret to say that our next discussion will be about severance packages. I'm keeping an eye on you, Thompson. Now go get busy!  HSP 





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