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Issue 08
Fall 2004

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

January 20, 2021

Ralph Nader Probably Also Hates You

By Ralph Nader
Winsted, CTDue to his infamous role in the 2000 Presidential Election, inciting many citizens to argue with passion about how Nader "stole" the election from Al Gore, Nader, the long time public defender and consumer advocate has incurred a significant amount of genuine hatred from many otherwise even-tempered, occasionally website-bearing, Americans. This is especially true of those who now dream desperately of an alternate non-Bush history, and thus deeply loathe the former Green Party candidate for president, despite his many years, nay, decades of public service to the American people. What these "Nader Haters", of which you may be one, have failed to realize, is that despite his life long professions of love and respect for the average American, Ralph Nader probably also hates the fuck out of you. -HSP Staff

"I just don't understand why all the focus is on how close to 50% of Americans hate me," Nader told HSP. "I mean, think about it. What's this shit about me stealing the election from Al Gore? If all of those cowardly, unprincipled, Gore voters - and that probably means you, captain democracy - had voted for me instead, I'd be the fucking president and we wouldn't be having this stupid conversation. And don't forget, I also hate all the people who voted for Bush even more, which means I hate close to 96% of all the people in this country. I haven't done the math myself, but I can tell you right now that that's quite a few shitloads of people. And these are the very same ungrateful consumers that I've selflessly devoted my life to's just one giant clusterfuck. I spend so much time hating them now, I hardly have time to fight tirelessly for your rights let alone bathe and eat properly. I've been living off coffee, instant noodles, and cheap cologne for weeks now. So why shouldn't I hate you?"

Nader continued to plead his case. "In the rare case that you did vote for me, please ignore both the preceding and following, bitter, profanity-laden, harangue and thanks in advance for buying my book if you haven't already. So anyway, why didn't you vote for me you fuckers? I'm totally a better candidate for president than any of the other half-wit amateur corporate cocksuckers that have ever run for office except maybe Dennis Kucinich. I know the issues like a million times better than Al "Corporate" Whore ever did. And don't even get me started about George H. W. 'can't even read the teleprompter so they've got to have Karl "Propagandaddy" Rove or Dick "Haliburglar" Cheney talking him through it with a small mike in his ear' Bush. Those guys think corporate crime is Martha Stewart shoplifting some house wares. They've got it all En-wrong, if you know what I'm saying.

I know a thing or two about hate. I mean come on people, even the Green Party hates me now. Why do you think I'm running as an Independent? It's about as much a party as Canada is a country. Pretty soon the Pizza party and the Trip Hop X Dance party will be hating me, not to mention Michael "Hollywood General" Moore, and the entire cast of Friends, except my buddy Joey, who evidently has a new show. Well guess what people, I double hate you. With all that practice hating corporate abuse and government hypocrisy and corruption, I know hate like Chris Rock knows comedy. I'm better at hating than Tiger Woods is at golf, although, to be fair, he's not nearly as dominant as in 2002-03...but I digress.

You have absolutely no idea how much I hate you.

Now if you'd just open your eyes for a moment, and stop blaming me for the election that Al Gore actually won despite my best efforts (the Bush Florida junta's "6 degrees to felon" purging, elderly Jewish vote stealing, and general voter terrorism notwithstanding), maybe I'd stop hating you too. That's fair enough, isn't it? So turn on the parallel universe time machine and take a look at what would have been the Nader presidency. I'd give it better than 50/50 that there'd have been no September 11th and about an 865% chance that I would never have invaded Iraq. I'd have become CEO of WorldCom, won the gold in pole vaulting, and impeached myself 6 times before a single soldier would have set foot on Iraqi soil. Everyone loves to talk about how Al Gore would never have invaded Iraq, and this is a nice dream, but I'm not so convinced. At best, we could have expected Al to use different fear-mongering terror rhetoric than "Bring 'em on". He probably would have said, "Let them come hither" or something diplomatic in French or German, but, in the end, separating his effective foreign policy from what we have now would be like trying to tell the difference between the Olsen twins after a few dozen shots of Goldschlager, while wearing a football helmet at night.

And who's this comedian the Demo-"hippo"-crats have running now? John "My wife is a billionaire while I milk the war hero thing" Kerry? With this guy, we don't even have to speculate as to whether we'd be in Iraq. J.F.K. here voted for it. He can backtrack all he wants, but pretty soon, he'll be at the beginning of the record, with nowhere else to spin. Let's face it, people-who-I-hate-way-more-than-you-would-have-guessed (Jesus, that was a lot of hyphens), we've got about as much of a chance of democracy here as the U.S. Men's Olympic basketball team has of genuine teamwork.

The basic, sad story is that our so-called "two" party system is a sham, a hydra with only two visible heads...the other six being the invisible heads of the six top monoliths of corporate America, or should I say, corporate Earth inc., that multinational sovereignty-eroding conglomerate of poofaces that I've spent my life courageously fighting, I might add.

All these Democrats who hate me are so caught up in the "anyone but Bush" camp that they've failed to realize the obvious. I'm about as much George Bush as I am Catwoman. And that would be zero, for those of you folks who are counting. If I'm not Bush, why the hell aren't you going to chad-punch the name Ralph Nader if you're in a state that has courageously, democratically, allowed my name to grace the ballot. And why is it so hard to get on the presidential ballot anyway? If Arnold "change the constitution, please" Schwarzenegger can steal the California governorship just because Total Recall and Terminator 2 were box office hits, why can't I get my name on the ballot in Alabama, Kentucky, and New Mexico, not to mention 12 other states? Why are so many Democrats protesting my candidacy on the web and in the streets when those streets probably wouldn't even be safe to drive on if I hadn't taken it to those reckless killer auto manufacturers back in 19-fucking-65?

The thing that really bites my corporate crime-fighting ass is that even amongst the Democrats who hate me most, basically all of them agree with my positions on consumer protection and corporate abuse. Most of them even agree with me about the war. It seems the only thing everyone disagrees with me on is my choice to run for President. What the fuck kind of country do we live in when simply running for office is enough to get people to dedicate the better part of their week to making hate-posters and websites consisting of desperate, impassioned pleas for me to sit on my ass while the country rots? Unfortunately for all of us, our democracy is all about the illusion of choice. In the end, under the current system, no matter who you vote for (including me!), you lose. Free country my 70-year-old ass.

What you lookin' at beeeyatch? Don't even think of messing with me when I've got my Larry King Live background.

Americans are supposed to like parties, right? Well how about some more? It's tough to have fun when everyone wears the same costume to Halloween. Seriously, think of how lame it would be to go to a party where everyone and their mom is dressed up as Batman. Well I'm sorry to tell you, but that party is the U.S. of. A, and until you put on that Shrek helmet or that questionably chosen Bette Middler mask and start voting your conscience, it's gonna be one hell of a buzz kill.

Listen people, I'm a forgiving guy. If I'm willing to forgive Michael Moore, I'm willing to forgive you. All it takes is one vote. Or rather, all it takes is a lifetime of grueling, thankless public service. All that shit I was saying before is bullshit since everybody knows their vote makes absolutely no difference. But the important thing that seems to have eluded most of America - to the fierce delight of the Republicrats - is that your political power does not start and end at the voting booth. That would be like living your life thinking that you're only allowed to eat with a fork. I'm serious people. It's not that difficult and most of the time, you're standing in the solution anyway. How do you become a political activist, you ask? Pick an issue and talk to your friends. It may be hard to think of it this way, but talking politics with your friends (grass roots at its most fundamental level) has way more impact than any vote you'll ever cast, especially if you're in a state that's essentially predetermined as a result of our rigged, outdated, electoral college system. If talking isn't enough, read a book about some issue that drives you. Write an article or a song. Paint something and go to protests if you want to. And yes, vote for somebody if you feel strongly about it, but for the love of god, don't stop there. I know it comes across as a little pedantic coming from a guy who's spent his life overachieving in regard to performing one's civil duty, but take my word for it. If you hate me for running for President, and voting is all you do politically, then there's a good chance I hate your guts more than you could ever possibly realize. Thank you, good night, and more than likely, fuck you.

Ralph Nader





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