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Issue 10
Fall 2005

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

March 04, 2024

Bush Administration to Begin Oil Drilling From Baby Harp Seals

By Ice Man
FAIRBANKS, ALASKA - Recently, there have been rumors leaked to HSP that the Bush administration has plans to extend its Arctic wildlife vendetta from merely habitat destruction to the active harvesting of crude oil from animals. This reporter travelled down to Texas and managed to corner Bush on his "Victory Ranch" one evening.

HSP: Sir, how do you respond to the allegations that you're planning on pumping crude oil from wildlife, specifically harp seal pups?

Bush: Look, you think that those things are all innocent, and just spend their days swimming and flopping around on the ice. But the truth is each and every one of them are thieves. You remember that Exxon spill? Well, a damned fine American corporation lost a lot of oil from that, and you know who got most of it? Harp seals! Those sonsabitches soaked that stuff straight up, and didn't pay a lickin' nickel for it. We're just getting back what's rightfully ours. No one steals from America. At least not in my country."

HSP: Where exactly is this oil?

Instructions for Oil Extraction - Brought to you By Exxon

Bush: Why, it's in their eyes. Those big dark eyes. They're like, at least, a hundred, hundred and fifty percent oil.

HSP: You'll be drilling for oil from the eyes of baby harp seals?

Bush: Well actually, it's more of a siphoning or suctioning process, but that's besides the point. I mean sure, when you frame the question like "is it right to spigot a baby seal for the small amount of petroleum contained within it?", obviously some people are going to say no. But maybe those folks haven't been to the pump lately. Let's face it. American people are dying for oil out there. And I really do mean that.

Bush: Besides, it's about freedom. Sure, there's never been any Harp Seal pups in Al Qaida, but what about other freedoms? What about the freedom to own an SUV? Or the freedom to watch NASCAR? Do you know how much gas NASCAR uses? And you can be damn sure that we're not going to let some friggin' arctic mammals put an end to my favorite motor sport just cause they got big googly eyes. Some people....I won't call them by name, let's just say "tree-humping democrat-voting sissies"... think those eyes are cute. But you know what else has big eyes? Clowns! And flies, well, proportionally anyways. So does Japanese anime, and have you ever seen anything so anti-American as Sailor Moon?

HSP: But how will the public react to this new development?

Bush: What of it? It's not fair that those furry white fuckers are so cute. They're practically just as cute as their stuffed animal versions. And when that happens, you know it's too fucking cute to be allowed in my country.

When asked if he was hyperbolizing, Bush managed to say, "I'll give you hype... h yper...hyperbal..." before giving up on the word. He then picked up an empty can of Pabst and crushed it on his forehead while chanting "U S A", "U S A"! This reporter then exited when the president asked me to join him in snorting cocaine off the ass of a $10,000 hooker, but that's another story all together. In related news, the Bush administration announced further plans to mine raw iron from the livers of polar bears and extract gold from the dental filings of walruses, pending what is likely to be overwhelming congressional approval.  HSP 





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