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Issue 08
Fall 2004

Helping America procrastinate since 1636

October 24, 2020
 
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Cheney to Live Up To His Word

Undisclosed Location - "I didn't get to where I am now by making promises I couldn't keep," the Vice-President was quoted in regard to his promise of a terrorist attack on the country if the "wrong guys" get voted in this November. "Promises to me are not just rhetoric. I think you've got me mixed up with the Kerry camp." Cheney pointed down rather uncharismatically to the flip-flops adorning his bloated, varicose feet and gave us a wink. The HSP reporter at the scene asked Cheney exactly what he had in mind.

"Well for purposes of national insecurity, some of the details are going to have to remain classified. Let's just say I've been negotiating overtime with Ayman Al-Zawahri. "

"Man, does that dude play hardball. No wonder Reagan wouldn't touch those guys. Anyway, the obvious targets have already been hit so we're gonna have to take a look around."

Cheney had been meeting regularly at the Arlington Estate Golf Club with the al-Qaeda second-in-command for six weeks before formalizing his promise to the American people. "Bin Laden himself, well he's not available. I asked the President and Mr. Powell if Bin Laden is even still alive and they said they'd have to get back to me on that. But I'm confident that even with a 2 nd or 3 rd string terrorist mastermind at the helm, we'll still get the job done."  HSP 




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